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Using Unix..

By Mictlantecuhtli
Apr 7, 2002
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  1. The Joy of Computers
    A Users Manual From The
    Computer Relations Institute

    LOGON

    As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the
    terminal and making some small talk. In computer
    terminology, this is referred to as "logging on". It is,
    however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like
    the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to
    your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep
    /etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a
    password. This is the computer's way of weeding out the
    nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It
    also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship
    to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the
    user is allowed to "access the computer". Once this is
    past, the user and the computer are ready to network in
    some serious entanglements.

    CHECK-IN WITH DOT

    The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be
    accessed by the temporal user (it's "been around"). To
    decide just what form of relationship will develop, the
    computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the
    terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press
    the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $
    expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot
    don't they? Dot's gotta hold on you where you live! Without
    Dot's help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot's got
    your mail! Dot's got your history for the last several
    transgressions, so you'd better be sure Dot is taken care
    of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you
    do short the Dot, you'll be seeing it on the front page of
    your news_rc
    PROGRAM ACCESS

    Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering.
    Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in
    the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering
    repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter
    as hard (often stated "strike any key") and as fast as you
    like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of
    the computer's feelings. Automation and modern technology
    have produced the most advanced of all partners our multi-
    user, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn't it be nice if you
    could multi-user without fear of catching something,
    including bullets.)

    PROFICIENCY

    The system, if properly approached, will respond almost
    instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and
    a show aren't even needed.) As you improve you may even be
    able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just
    work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to
    sweat on the keys!)

    EXITING

    After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all
    the earthly delights available from the depths of the
    system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of
    the session. This step has been automated to allow the
    users to take full advantage of their passions. The system
    will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No
    more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT
    and enters for the final time. The computer responds
    instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user
    is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors
    in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only
    thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer
    immediately begins to invite another LOGON!!

    CONSEQUENCES

    As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain
    responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy,
    especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There
    are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done
    than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory
    disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn
    PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child
    processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of
    these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes
    cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right
    in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper
    places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don't smell.

    Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by
    the local right-to-life movement. However, the system
    doesn't seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts
    and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process
    population from getting out of hand and into the system.

    MORE ON MULTI-USER

    The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For
    those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one
    scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is
    capable of having relationships with many different users
    at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in
    news.soc.singles) It won't even call you by the wrong name!
    Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple
    relationships are very difficult for users, and
    extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the
    tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most
    lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the
    PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS!

    DEFINITIONS

    GOING DOWN - Occasionally, the entire computer will turn
    "frigid" in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can
    be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic
    to the users that are about to exit in the relationship.
    The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed,
    it appears that the result of going down has entirely the
    opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each
    other that bears the same name. However the computer can be
    made to recover from this withdrawal by very special
    foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users
    and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It
    is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the
    extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the
    millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation.

    COLD START - This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced
    by programmers on a computer that has "gone down".
    It appears that this is the only form of foreplay
    that the system will respond to in order to arouse
    a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with
    the more common users.

    BACKUP - A back-up is performed by the programmers at
    regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or
    "back-door" access to the systems most private parts. The
    reason for this is also not known., but at times when the
    system "goes down", it would not be possible to bring it
    around again had some programmer not performed a "back-up"
    recently.

    RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the
    a programming group or system administrators that is thought
    TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought
    to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to
    do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought
    to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the
    computer unless it is "erased", which may be some form of
    pleasure-trance induced by the programmers.

    WARM DUMP - Not much is known about this. Theories presented
    by researchers on system relations are so strange and
    repulsive that this is most often handled by government
    agencies. The droppings for some, called "cores" are
    immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the
    opposite of Postverts?)

    MODEMS - A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication
    by both authorized and unauthorized users if
    the system is not properly prepared.


    collaborative effort by: Jay Lewis
    Pete Rourke
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