TS | Thomas
Posts: 1,318 +2
Another classic review from my friend Karl, he's the same guy behind the negative Half-Life 2 review. Enjoy 
I came out of Ong Bak sweating because it was the best film Id seen in years. I came out of batman sweating because the cinema was too hot (too many people breathing I think).
Before I go any further, Neeson WAS kick *** in it. He rescued it as far as I'm concerned. Michael Cain was suprisingly good too. Cian was Ok too and parts of the story were pretty clever... but then its all downhill.
Bale was ok as bruce wayne but ****E as batman. He had kind of a funny shaped head in the cowl and he put on a god awful hoarse whisper whenever he put on the mask. I actually giggled at some of his batman lines when he said them in his batman voice. Giggled... like a 4 year old girl.
Gary Oldman - Great actor. Not used. At all.
Rutger Hauer - Possibly a good actor, but I wouldnt know even after watching it.
Some slight plot inconsistensies too...
Good job batman practised the silent/stealthy art of the ninja - handy for roaring around town in his giant dune buggy destroying roof-tops, bridges and buildings in the MOST UNPRACTICAL VEHICLE EVER DESIGNED. Bring back the old batmobile (from film one). Why did the seat lie forward when firing missles? Did that help them blow things up better? Or was it just to burn the drivers eyes with roasting exhaust from the missiles jets? Rubbish. Stupid dune buggy, flying around like a kids toy - over ramps, buildings and through waterfalls. Bring back memories of batman and robin when they drive the bat-fish-mobile down the giant statue.... So its just like "batman and robin". Why didn't you think THAT film was great too? Because the newspapers told you what to think. Shakey camera = good film? Not in my book.
The fights were BLURtastic were they? THE main fault with the film - They were dull dull dull. I couldnt even SEE the one or two fights he had. Thats like a rocky film without boxing... I SWEAR Tom, wait till you see Ong Bak and you'll laugh at what passes for a fight in batman begins. I could have done the fights in this film - you dont need any preparation to wobble around while the cameraman has a fit trying to film it. Instead of thinking its ****, people think its gritty. Did batman actually HIT anyone in the film? My subconsious mind may have caught one or two frames where a fist was moving but it was soo shakey and out of focus I thought I was the one having the fit.
All that training up the mountain and he goes and buys a ****ing bullet proof vest and a bungee chord and bounces in and out of fights like a little fairy on a string with ne'er a punch being thrown. I cheered when batman was set on fire by a nerdy scientist and sent flying out the window. Great line too "Lighten up". ****en A. I Cheered! I got tired of watching batman give the baddies a little hug with his cape and fly away with this grappling hook ever time there was scuffle. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD film making.
Dull ending. Way to blow up your fathers train batman. And that cosy little chat he had at the end with gordon made me look at batman in a gay new light. "You wont EVER have to thank me Gordon..." mmmmwah, and a quick shimmie of that bat-*** and he's away.
And I thought Jack Napier killed bruce waynes parents. Isn't that a given? He made batman, then batman made him? Does that make for a cooler film?? Isnt the joker batmans arch nemesis? Who the **** is this "chill" guy anyway?
As for the plot... hmmm crazy guy tries to poison city with his deadly chemicals? Good job they didn't run that plot in any of the other batman films. Like the first one for instance. God I hate hollywood. "OHH but the gas in the first film was meant to KILL everyone! This time it only drives them insane so they kill each other.." Same difference. Originality goes out the window whenever a film gets a budget. It just goes too show, if you make a film loud enough and hype it enough then the sheep will all lap it up. How does it feel to be a sheep tom?
The first batman movie wails all over this one. Style, actual fights, better actors, better MUSIC (go prince!), better story. The scene was bruces parents are killed was a pale imitation of the first film. It didn't even have the "Dance with the devil in the pale moon light" speach. Pah. Neeson may be great as a baddie because he didn't do what ever other batman film tried to do - make another joker, but I'm through with hollywood. Not going to watch Sin City. Not going to watch Spiderman 3, or batman begins 2, or sin city two : Sin harder. Its all bull****. I dont know why people can't see it - possibly because everyone mind has been melted by zena/charmed/buffy/matrix/bourne supremecy/hype.
YOU NEED TO WATCH FILMS NOT MADE IN HOLLYWOOD TO SEE REAL FIGHTS AND ATMOSPHERE. And I'm not talking about Hero, or crouching tiger hidden dragon.
Watch Ong Bak. You will see what the fights in batman SHOULD have been. Spectacles. Every fight in Ong Bak is mindblowing. Mua Thai kickboxing is the COOLEST ****ing thing anywhere. NO special effects, camera is nice and steady and not too close, the music is atmospeheric. Remeber the first time you saw blade whip the **** out of someone? Well multiply that by 50 and you have Ong Bak... in EVERY SCENE.
I actually want to see batman forever and batman and robin again. At least they could put on a fight you could watch. And mr freezes giant freeze ray was as believeable as that microwave gas bomb thing rhaz ag ghul came up with. Good job the black guy in wayne enterprises figured it all out... "That crazy drug he put in the water is harmless... unless he had some kind of giant microwave gun... but WAIT! Wasn't there a giant microwave gun stolen from wayne enterprises just last week!!" Way to go morgan freeman. Cheesy as hell.
And how scary can the scarecrow be if one scared girl can defeat him with a tazer gun (at the end)?? Oooohh... however will batman beat him?!? Yeah right.
To summise... bad fights, waste of actors like gary oldman, ridiculous batmobile, bad camera work and a wussy ending. I'm sure the orchestra music was lovely but I couldnt give a ****. I only like the music if the film is good... For instance, all the lovely orchestra music in the world wouldn't have saved blade 3, batman and robin, or oceans twelve.
Right, I'm spent. I'm not complaining for the sake of it. Just open your eyes and LOOK at the film. Think back - keep it in mind while you read all that stuff above. It'll get worse the more you think about it - trust me.
I came out of Ong Bak sweating because it was the best film Id seen in years. I came out of batman sweating because the cinema was too hot (too many people breathing I think).
Before I go any further, Neeson WAS kick *** in it. He rescued it as far as I'm concerned. Michael Cain was suprisingly good too. Cian was Ok too and parts of the story were pretty clever... but then its all downhill.
Bale was ok as bruce wayne but ****E as batman. He had kind of a funny shaped head in the cowl and he put on a god awful hoarse whisper whenever he put on the mask. I actually giggled at some of his batman lines when he said them in his batman voice. Giggled... like a 4 year old girl.
Gary Oldman - Great actor. Not used. At all.
Rutger Hauer - Possibly a good actor, but I wouldnt know even after watching it.
Some slight plot inconsistensies too...
Good job batman practised the silent/stealthy art of the ninja - handy for roaring around town in his giant dune buggy destroying roof-tops, bridges and buildings in the MOST UNPRACTICAL VEHICLE EVER DESIGNED. Bring back the old batmobile (from film one). Why did the seat lie forward when firing missles? Did that help them blow things up better? Or was it just to burn the drivers eyes with roasting exhaust from the missiles jets? Rubbish. Stupid dune buggy, flying around like a kids toy - over ramps, buildings and through waterfalls. Bring back memories of batman and robin when they drive the bat-fish-mobile down the giant statue.... So its just like "batman and robin". Why didn't you think THAT film was great too? Because the newspapers told you what to think. Shakey camera = good film? Not in my book.
The fights were BLURtastic were they? THE main fault with the film - They were dull dull dull. I couldnt even SEE the one or two fights he had. Thats like a rocky film without boxing... I SWEAR Tom, wait till you see Ong Bak and you'll laugh at what passes for a fight in batman begins. I could have done the fights in this film - you dont need any preparation to wobble around while the cameraman has a fit trying to film it. Instead of thinking its ****, people think its gritty. Did batman actually HIT anyone in the film? My subconsious mind may have caught one or two frames where a fist was moving but it was soo shakey and out of focus I thought I was the one having the fit.
All that training up the mountain and he goes and buys a ****ing bullet proof vest and a bungee chord and bounces in and out of fights like a little fairy on a string with ne'er a punch being thrown. I cheered when batman was set on fire by a nerdy scientist and sent flying out the window. Great line too "Lighten up". ****en A. I Cheered! I got tired of watching batman give the baddies a little hug with his cape and fly away with this grappling hook ever time there was scuffle. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD film making.
Dull ending. Way to blow up your fathers train batman. And that cosy little chat he had at the end with gordon made me look at batman in a gay new light. "You wont EVER have to thank me Gordon..." mmmmwah, and a quick shimmie of that bat-*** and he's away.
And I thought Jack Napier killed bruce waynes parents. Isn't that a given? He made batman, then batman made him? Does that make for a cooler film?? Isnt the joker batmans arch nemesis? Who the **** is this "chill" guy anyway?
As for the plot... hmmm crazy guy tries to poison city with his deadly chemicals? Good job they didn't run that plot in any of the other batman films. Like the first one for instance. God I hate hollywood. "OHH but the gas in the first film was meant to KILL everyone! This time it only drives them insane so they kill each other.." Same difference. Originality goes out the window whenever a film gets a budget. It just goes too show, if you make a film loud enough and hype it enough then the sheep will all lap it up. How does it feel to be a sheep tom?
The first batman movie wails all over this one. Style, actual fights, better actors, better MUSIC (go prince!), better story. The scene was bruces parents are killed was a pale imitation of the first film. It didn't even have the "Dance with the devil in the pale moon light" speach. Pah. Neeson may be great as a baddie because he didn't do what ever other batman film tried to do - make another joker, but I'm through with hollywood. Not going to watch Sin City. Not going to watch Spiderman 3, or batman begins 2, or sin city two : Sin harder. Its all bull****. I dont know why people can't see it - possibly because everyone mind has been melted by zena/charmed/buffy/matrix/bourne supremecy/hype.
YOU NEED TO WATCH FILMS NOT MADE IN HOLLYWOOD TO SEE REAL FIGHTS AND ATMOSPHERE. And I'm not talking about Hero, or crouching tiger hidden dragon.
Watch Ong Bak. You will see what the fights in batman SHOULD have been. Spectacles. Every fight in Ong Bak is mindblowing. Mua Thai kickboxing is the COOLEST ****ing thing anywhere. NO special effects, camera is nice and steady and not too close, the music is atmospeheric. Remeber the first time you saw blade whip the **** out of someone? Well multiply that by 50 and you have Ong Bak... in EVERY SCENE.
I actually want to see batman forever and batman and robin again. At least they could put on a fight you could watch. And mr freezes giant freeze ray was as believeable as that microwave gas bomb thing rhaz ag ghul came up with. Good job the black guy in wayne enterprises figured it all out... "That crazy drug he put in the water is harmless... unless he had some kind of giant microwave gun... but WAIT! Wasn't there a giant microwave gun stolen from wayne enterprises just last week!!" Way to go morgan freeman. Cheesy as hell.
And how scary can the scarecrow be if one scared girl can defeat him with a tazer gun (at the end)?? Oooohh... however will batman beat him?!? Yeah right.
To summise... bad fights, waste of actors like gary oldman, ridiculous batmobile, bad camera work and a wussy ending. I'm sure the orchestra music was lovely but I couldnt give a ****. I only like the music if the film is good... For instance, all the lovely orchestra music in the world wouldn't have saved blade 3, batman and robin, or oceans twelve.
Right, I'm spent. I'm not complaining for the sake of it. Just open your eyes and LOOK at the film. Think back - keep it in mind while you read all that stuff above. It'll get worse the more you think about it - trust me.
