Qantas airlines lowset accident rates find out why

By Samstoned
May 3, 2006
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  1. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
    called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics
    about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
    correct the problems, document their repairs on
    the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
    before the next flight. Never let it be said that
    ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
    actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
    pilots (marked with a 'P:') and the solutions
    recorded (marked with an 'S:') by maintenance
    engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
    airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    P: Something loose in ****pit.
    S: Something tightened in ****pit.
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
    feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
    and be serious.
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    P: Mouse in ****pit.
    S: Cat installed.
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
    Sounds like a midget pounding on something with
    a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
  2. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 24,177   +19

    Very funny Sam.

    Unfortunately, Spike posted exactly the same in the Jokes thread. Page 3, Reply #50.

    It still make me laugh though.

    Regards Howard :)
  3. Fiziks

    Fiziks Banned Posts: 226

    it's ok, sam's stoned

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