Stole these this morning. Are all blonds related?
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DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you *****! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!:haha:

Nice thread

jokEs apart...!

VERY DRUNK...!:grinthumb

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

always liked this one

Q. Whats the difference between an Orange?

A. A football, because a motorbike doesnt have any doors.

I didn't understand this.
What's the difference between an Orange AND ??? you should say "between this AND this", no " between this" xD

Its not supposed to make sense. I heard it about 20 years ago in a online forum and it has stuck with me since.

It's funny watching people try to figure it out, coz even though it makes not sense, it kind of does.

NEW one!!! (By me) but it is a translated version of the Greek version, so don't blame me if it is no funny xD

Q :Who was the father of Aristotle's kids? (Don't look at the answer if u don't think it xD)




....


....

....

A: Aristotle ! xD (If not funny don't blame me )

Two pieces of string walk into a bar, one it is straight and all clean, the other is knotted and all tatty.

The bartender says the the first one " so what are you?"

He replies " A piece of String"

The bartender says to the second one " are you a piece of string too?"

He replies " No, A frayed knot"

Sorry, I couldn't resist


I had it on my pc.

These are a wee bit long but the laughs are well worth the time. Enjoy

While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. (thanks to Addison St. Onge-May)

A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." (thanks to Fred)

"Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"

The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane."

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." *scattered applause* "So, if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"

After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
__________________:haha:

One day a drunk man got onto a bus, as he walked between the seats he passed an old woman. The old woman said: "Young man, you are on your way to hell!" The drunk man replied:"Driver stop! I'm on the wrong bus!"

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today : WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal : DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer : O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine : HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ” ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Food Network: COOKED GOOSE RECIPE

Glenn Beck: I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN…

My favorite one....Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ” ARMAGEDDON” DIET! :rolleyes:

Watching the the gnu

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later:
MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

Good one :haha:

One day a redhead, a brunette and a blonde decide to rob a bank. After the robbery they try to get away on foot, but they are spotted by the police and so they decide to run into an abandoned house. The redhead hides behind a bedroom door, the brunette hides inside a cardboard box and the blonde decides to hide in a potato sack. The cops rush into the house and almost immediately one of them kicks against the bedroom door to check if anyone's behind it. The redhead pretends to be a dog and yells: "woof! woof!". Another cop kicks the cardboard box to check if anyone's inside of it, but the brunette pretends to be a cat and yells: "meow!". A third cop walks over to the potato sack, suspecting that someone's inside of it. He kicks it and the blonde yells: "Potato!"

Enjoy a good laugh

You may remember the old Jewish comics of Vaudeville days: (I'd forgotten how many of them were Jewish!!)

Milton Berle, Danny Kaye, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Benny and so many others.


And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea ....

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering ......

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mum, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother."I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Old Is When - - -

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes. :haha:

Duck Hunters in Wisconsin

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of
$560.00.
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the
ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average
drill auger can produce. So........................ out of the back of
the
new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice
while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with
the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,

- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING ; especially things
thrown
by the owner.

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a
high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning
40-second fuse........... just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their
necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog
to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end...................he yelps, drops the
dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving
the two ****** standing there with 'I can't believe this just
happened'
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay....doing fine.

And to think you thought

all Rednecks lived in the South .......

:grinthumb

We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.