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The jokes thread

By Rage_3K_Moiz
Jan 4, 2006
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  1. Technochicken

    Technochicken TechSpot Paladin Posts: 903

    Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

    Chuck Norris can run vista on his etch-a-sketch

    Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

    Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

    When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    I didn't invent any of these, but they are some of my favorite chuck norris jokes, so i just wanted to share them :haha:
     
  2. werepossum

    werepossum TS Rookie Posts: 31

    Old man and old woman, married fifty years, are driving cross-country from California to North Carolina. The old man can't see, so the old woman is driving, but she can't hear. Somewhere in Arkansas they get pulled over by a state trooper. He walks up to car and says "Ma'am, did you know you were going nearly ninety in a sixty-five zone?"

    The old woman yells "WHAT?"

    The old man yells "SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"

    The state trooper asks "Where are y'all heading in such a hurry?"

    The old woman yells "WHAT?"

    The old man yells "WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING!" "The old woman tells the officer they are headed to North Carolina to visit their son.

    The state trooper says "Can I see your license, please."

    The old woman yells "WHAT?"

    The old man yells "WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!" Muttering, she digs out her license and hands it to him.

    The state trooper examines the license and says "California, huh? I hate California. Worst piece of *** I ever had came from California."

    The old woman yells "WHAT?"

    The old man yells "SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

    *****************************************************************************************************

    Saint Peter is working the pearly gates. As each newly departed comes up, he asks "Name, occupation, cause of death, and year of death." Then he hears:
    "Loretta Pinciotti, housewife, herpes, 2009." Surprised, Saint Peter looks up to see a thirtyish woman in a rather slutty outfit standing there.

    "That's ridiculous," he snaps. "No one dies of herpes in 2009."

    The woman replies "They do if they bring it home to Jimmy the Squirrel."
     
  3. ravisunny2

    ravisunny2 TS Ambassador Posts: 2,062   +8

    Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?

    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

    "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

    Why did we swim around and around them?

    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"
     
  4. ravisunny2

    ravisunny2 TS Ambassador Posts: 2,062   +8

    English vs Yanks‏

    Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
    chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
    traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent
    incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
    windshields.

    American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
    windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
    a gun was sent to the American engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
    hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
    it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
    engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
    cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

    The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
    experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
    British scientists for suggestions.

    You're going to love this......


    Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:
    Defrost the chicken !
     
  5. XeonUK

    XeonUK TS Rookie

    Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
    Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
    Billy says, "In the car."
    Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
     
  6. ravisunny2

    ravisunny2 TS Ambassador Posts: 2,062   +8

    Nice one, XeonUK.:haha:

    Keep 'em coming.
     
  7. Benny26

    Benny26 TechSpot Paladin Posts: 1,578   +47

    Told my doctor today i thought i had that Body Dysmorphic Disorder...He said "No, you're just an ugly ****".


    Got talking to one of those "psychic's" the other day. Daft sod told me that i "Would be having a heart attack and would lose alot of money"......

    He was right when i got the phone bill.


    The wife's not speaking to me, all because I didn't open the car door for her. To be honest, I panicked and just swam to the surface....
     
  8. treetops

    treetops TS Evangelist Posts: 1,724   +63

    Here is a chuck Norris joke I actually made up while seeing endless chuck norris jokes playing wow.

    When Chuck Norris goes to Mexico the Mexicans get diarrhea.
     
  9. Technochicken

    Technochicken TechSpot Paladin Posts: 903

    Based on the recent FTL neutrino business:

    Neutrino
    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
     
  10. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    Replacement Windows

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
    double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
    contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
    been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

    Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
    automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
    guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would
    pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
    I finally just hung up. He never called back.. I bet he felt like an *****.:grinthumb
     
  11. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    Stole these this morning. Are all blonds related?
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    DISNEYLAND

    Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

    FLORIDA OR MOON

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

    CAR
    TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
    mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

    She says, 'What's the story?'

    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

    SPEEDING
    TICKET

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

    RIVER
    WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    KNITTING

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    BLONDE
    ON THE SUN

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

    'You can't land on the sun, you *****! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

    IN A
    VACUUM

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

    FINALLY,
    THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!:haha:
     
     
  12. ViPeRMiMiS

    ViPeRMiMiS TS Enthusiast Posts: 106

    Nice thread :D :D :D
     
  13. glmattox

    glmattox TS Rookie

    jokEs apart...!

    VERY DRUNK...!:grinthumb

    A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

    The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

    The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
     
  14. bababoo

    bababoo TS Rookie Posts: 50

    always liked this one

    Q. Whats the difference between an Orange?

    A. A football, because a motorbike doesnt have any doors.
     
  15. ViPeRMiMiS

    ViPeRMiMiS TS Enthusiast Posts: 106

    I didn't understand this.
    What's the difference between an Orange AND ??? you should say "between this AND this", no " between this" xD
     
  16. bababoo

    bababoo TS Rookie Posts: 50

    Its not supposed to make sense. I heard it about 20 years ago in a online forum and it has stuck with me since.

    It's funny watching people try to figure it out, coz even though it makes not sense, it kind of does.
     
  17. ViPeRMiMiS

    ViPeRMiMiS TS Enthusiast Posts: 106

    :D

    NEW one!!! (By me) but it is a translated version of the Greek version, so don't blame me if it is no funny xD

    Q :Who was the father of Aristotle's kids? (Don't look at the answer if u don't think it xD)




    ....


    ....

    ....

    A: Aristotle ! xD (If not funny don't blame me :D )
     
  18. bababoo

    bababoo TS Rookie Posts: 50

    Two pieces of string walk into a bar, one it is straight and all clean, the other is knotted and all tatty.

    The bartender says the the first one " so what are you?"

    He replies " A piece of String"

    The bartender says to the second one " are you a piece of string too?"

    He replies " No, A frayed knot"
     
  19. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    Sorry, I couldn't resist
    [​IMG]

    I had it on my pc.:)
     
  20. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    These are a wee bit long but the laughs are well worth the time. Enjoy

    While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. (thanks to Addison St. Onge-May)

    A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." (thanks to Fred)

    "Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"

    The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane."

    "Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." *scattered applause* "So, if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

    "If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."

    "Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"

    After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

    This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
    __________________:haha:
     
  21. monrayl

    monrayl TS Member Posts: 74

    One day a drunk man got onto a bus, as he walked between the seats he passed an old woman. The old woman said: "Young man, you are on your way to hell!" The drunk man replied:"Driver stop! I'm on the wrong bus!"
     
  22. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    End of the World Headlines

    When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

    USA Today : WE’RE DEAD

    The Wall Street Journal : DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

    National Enquirer : O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

    Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

    Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

    Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

    Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

    Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

    Readers Digest: ‘BYE

    Discover Magazine : HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

    Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ” ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

    America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

    Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

    TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

    Food Network: COOKED GOOSE RECIPE

    Glenn Beck: I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN…

    My favorite one....Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ” ARMAGEDDON” DIET! :rolleyes:
     
  23. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 5,462   +243

    Watching the the gnu

    The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

    To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later:
    MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
     
  24. monrayl

    monrayl TS Member Posts: 74

    Good one :haha:
     
  25. monrayl

    monrayl TS Member Posts: 74

    One day a redhead, a brunette and a blonde decide to rob a bank. After the robbery they try to get away on foot, but they are spotted by the police and so they decide to run into an abandoned house. The redhead hides behind a bedroom door, the brunette hides inside a cardboard box and the blonde decides to hide in a potato sack. The cops rush into the house and almost immediately one of them kicks against the bedroom door to check if anyone's behind it. The redhead pretends to be a dog and yells: "woof! woof!". Another cop kicks the cardboard box to check if anyone's inside of it, but the brunette pretends to be a cat and yells: "meow!". A third cop walks over to the potato sack, suspecting that someone's inside of it. He kicks it and the blonde yells: "Potato!"
     


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