The jokes thread

High Tech

Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young man lifted his palm to
his ear. When he had finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The older man felt very low tech and wasn't to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him . The older man finally
said "Well, will you look at that.........I'm getting a fax !!

I was too lazy to open a new thread just for this

http://www.screensmasher.com/


Go Ahead, Whack Your Computer
(You know you want to)

The ScreenSmasher™ is

* 100% Safe
* More fun than therapy
* Deeply satisfying, with realistic glass-shattering effects
* Less effort than throwing your PC out the window

Lol :haha:

complaints

These are genuine clips from letters sent to the Council Housing

Department...............



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has

fungus growing on it.



2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't

take it anymore.



3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.



4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my

knob off.



5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put

his foot in the hole in his back passage.



6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my

fence.



7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet

roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.



8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?



9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped

and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.



10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just

plain filthy.



12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.



13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

cleared.



14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour

and not fit to drink.



15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

unsightly and dangerous.



17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third

so please send someone round to do something about it.



18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.



19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

wife.



20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I

have no satisfaction.



21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't

get BBC2.

That was a really good one, Tomrca.

Golf

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the
rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ssupy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!"

tomrac,
Excellent, LOL. I haven't come across anything worth posting lately, but that sure did make me laugh.

This is one of them jokes where you have to be an old geezer like me to really appreciate it.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
Then says "Where's my toast?"

And you thought spelling mattered?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

lol i dont believe i can read that either. ha good one

That's pretty amazing. I can't believe that I read it as fast as I did. Lol.

Haha, nice. Thats something my dad would do.

lol

mabye we sluohd all psot enihtyrevg in topshcet lkie tihs. It cluod be kdnia fun...

I quess I belong to the 55% group (the ones with a 'strange mind').

Remarkably easy.

55%

I gsues a lot of us are in the 55% that can read it. Have a geart day!

Wlel, 55 pnecret of the poitalupon can raed tihs, so taht mnaes mroe tahn hlaf of us sluohd be albe to raed tihs.

I wednor if the oehtr hlaf can eevn raed to sratt wtih.

Lamo. Hailrouis

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Awesome!!!

There's this UT fan who lives in aggie town. So when he drives to work he runs over aggies he sees.

One day he stops to get a hitch hiker. That man just so happens to be a priest. So he's driveing when he sees another aggie. He think "Oh man I've got a holy man in the car!" So he closes his eyes and floors it.

He then here's a clumping sound. He opens his eys and asks "Did I get him?".

The priest replies "No but I got him with the door."

EDIT: Three sailors ship crashes on an island. They get out and meet the native people.

The chief asks the first man "Death or Ubuni"

The sailor respons "Ubuni"

Then 5 trees are shoved up his @ss.

The chief asks the second man "Death or Ubuni"

He responds "Ubuni"

So he gets 10 trees shoved up his @ss.

The third man sees the pattern, he'd perfer to die than to under go that pain.

The chief asks the third man "Death or Ubuni"

The third man answers "Death"

The chief laughs and says "Death by Ubuni!"

why isn't it a sticky