The jokes thread

language barrier

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the
terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"



:chef:

Bloke goes in to the doctor and says" doctor i can't stop singing the green greeen grass of home!"

Doc says "sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome..."

Bloke says" never heard of it...is it common?"
.
.
.
.
.,
Doctors says..............................." It's not unusual"

LOL That was great!

food for thought

Philosophy in a "jokes" thread?





Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and homeland security.





----------------------------------------------------------------------------- :wave:

language barrier

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange. There was a
short line ... just one person in front of me ... an Asian guy who
was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations..."




The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!"
:rolleyes:

My favs, the atom jokes:

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.
The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!"

What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium


Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state
--------------------

Ok fine, a couple are lame

Yo momma so fat her belt size is equator!

Yo momma so fat her shadow weighs a hundred pounds!

Yo momma so fat when she goes to a movie she sits next to everyone!

Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up!

Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
-------

ok enough of that

YAY! I was beginning to think that me, Toffe, and Moiz were the only ones with a sense of humidity!

A woman once said a man is like a deck of cards. You need...

A heart to love him.

A diamond to marry him.

A club to beat him, and ....

A spade to bury the SOB.

Regards Howard

Why did George Bush cross the road?
Because his penis was stuck in the chicken!

Not so.

Unfortunately, most of the jokes I know couldn`t be put in this thread, because they wouldn`t be suitable for everyone.

Regards Howard

(not sure if this is alright, but here goes)

How, indeed?

Finger's



Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in the clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do. Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers." "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring dose fingers wit youse?" To which Ole says........


"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
:grinthumb

LOL! :grinthumb

Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."

(this joke was originally about irish knackers(like gipsies) but i thought i would change it for my american buddy hewybo..hope the translation was ok)

yup

Ya transmogrified it jes' rite, pard! Us hillbillies have our pride!!
(by the way, I live in a "trailer")

Another president joke

Warning: The surgin general has announced that smoking cigars may cause cervical cancer.

dang men bashers!

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you . . "


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea . . . you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and fart.

I'm gunna tell this one from memory, and try to keep it cleaner. And shorten it up.

A middle aged man is having trouble getting a stify. He's tried every doctor and pill and remedy. So he finally turns to a witch doctor. The witch doctor agrees to take the case.
He performs a cerimony on the man and tells him, "it is done. All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and you will be the stiffest you've ever been, for as long as you want. But this only works ONCE per year."
So the man, a bit sceptical, says "ok", and asks how to turn it off. The doctor says, have your wife say "1 2 3 4".

So the next night he goes home, takes a shower, shaves, puts on his best after shave. And that night while laying next to his wife he says out loud to himself, "1 2 3". He was surprised to feel quite an effect immediately! He was so exicted, he turns to his wife and she looks over at him and says "what did you say one two three for?".

OWNED!

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

Regards Howard

I lived in one my self..better than a box