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The jokes thread

By Rage_3K_Moiz
Jan 4, 2006
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  1. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 25,948   +19

    That is so funny mate.

    Just about finished rolling around on the floor.

    Regards Howard :haha: :haha:
     
  2. admiralfreeman

    admiralfreeman TS Rookie

    mature but funny joke *v.funny*

    a man and wife are in bed one night and the woman is wondering to herself (like everynight)why her husband shakes underneath the bed sheets every time they have sex.
    so she says to herself "ok tomorow im gonna get to the bottom of it".

    next night in the middle of screaming sex she stops and looks under the sheets and what she see's is a long pink device of pleasure.

    "a vibrator" she shouts. he looks nervous.
    she says "all these years you been lying to me using a vibrator during sex explain your self .



    so he says


    "ok i'll explain the vibrator ,you explain the kids"

    :D
     
  3. paranoid guy

    paranoid guy TS Rookie Posts: 459

  4. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 25,948   +19

  5. Tedster

    Tedster Techspot old timer..... Posts: 10,074   +13

    Your mama so fat/ugly/nasty jokes

    You mama's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean,

    the tide comes in.
     
  6. paranoid guy

    paranoid guy TS Rookie Posts: 459

    A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
     
  7. AtK SpAdE

    AtK SpAdE TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 1,851

    :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  8. Tedster

    Tedster Techspot old timer..... Posts: 10,074   +13

    your mama is so nasty she gotta put saltwater down her panties to keep the crabs fresh.
     
  9. Tedster

    Tedster Techspot old timer..... Posts: 10,074   +13

    your mama is so fat, Shamu said "I quit."
     
  10. Tedster

    Tedster Techspot old timer..... Posts: 10,074   +13

    your mama is so fat.....

    you can plant seeds in her skid marks.
     
  11. paranoid guy

    paranoid guy TS Rookie Posts: 459

    I don't know if this link has been posted before, if not, it's worth a look.
    http://www.psycho-ward.org/funnypix/tech/
    And just a thought: Has the Microsoft Error Messenger ever encountered a problem and needed to close? And I was told that on the error report screen, when it asks you if you want to send the error report and you select no, it still sends!
     
     
  12. josbd

    josbd TS Enthusiast Posts: 289

    Texas Blonde

    Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy: "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

    So the rancher leaves for the fields.

    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn.

    They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: "This is the one..... right here."

    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

    "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

    Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

    She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on......"
     
  13. josbd

    josbd TS Enthusiast Posts: 289

    Another AI joke

    A man in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

    Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drives home, and falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
     
  14. Fiziks

    Fiziks Banned Posts: 229



    AHAHAHAHAAA, I'd write the EXACT same answers
     
  15. Fiziks

    Fiziks Banned Posts: 229

    I guess this would be the appropriate thread to post this \v/




    invent your own caption, lol
     

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  16. Tedster

    Tedster Techspot old timer..... Posts: 10,074   +13

    the horny road runner

    A horny roadrunner is just looking for love and can't get enough....

    So he's running down the road and comes accross a dove sitting on the side of the road. He grabs the dove by the wings and starts putting the cold to her. Who's yer daddy...who's yer daddy....

    The Dove says with delight, "I'm a dove, and I think I'm in love!"

    Unsatiated, the roadrunner keeps going down the road until he runs into a pretty lark. Again he grabs the lark and gives her some lovin'..... who's yer daddy...who's yer daddy.....

    The lark says, "I'm a lark, and a feel a big spark!"

    Still unsatisfied, the roadrunner keeps going until he spots a duck sitting on a rock. He runs behind the duck, grabs it by the wings and starts pumping his manhood into it.

    The duck jumps up, ruffles its feathers and quacks loudly, ""I'm a drake and there's been a mistake!"
     
  17. nickslick74

    nickslick74 TS Rookie Posts: 883

    A guy walks in to a bar and the bartender notices that this dude has a tiny head, like the size of an apple. He asks the dude "What happened to your head?".
    Dude says: "Well, used to work on a cargo ship, but I fell overboard and wound up stranded on a deserted island. I was there for a few months and one morning I see that something had washed up on the beach. So I take a look at it and it looks like one of them Genie lamps. I figured, what the hell, if it ain't a genie lamp there ain't nobody here to make fun of me. So I rub the lamp and holy ***t, this beautiful, big breasted female genie popps out. She says she can grant me just one wish. Now I'm thinking, wow is she hot! So I says to her 'Genie, I've been stuck on this island for a long time without any female companioship. All I really want to do is make love to you for a week'. She says that she is sorry, but that is the one thing she is not allowed to do. So I say 'How bout a little head then?' ".
     
  18. jimsky

    jimsky TS Rookie

    English Bobbie

    An English bobbie comes home to find his wife in bed with two men.He says--'allo,'allo What's all this then?
    His wife says---What, no 'allo for me?
     
  19. josbd

    josbd TS Enthusiast Posts: 289

    Sheep

    A redneck buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
    and phones a vet for advice. The vet tells him that he should try
    artificial insemination.

    The man doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not
    wanting to display his ignorance, simply asks the vet how he will know
    when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will all lie down
    in the grass.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
    that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So
    he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
    woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
    are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
    take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the
    woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and
    goes to bed, exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
    One more try, he tells himself, drags himself outside, loads them up and drives
    them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
    returning home, falls listlessly into bed, absolutely shattered.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
    the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
    lying in the grass.



    "No," she says: ...... "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is
    beeping the horn."
     
  20. Rage_3K_Moiz

    Rage_3K_Moiz Sith Lord Topic Starter Posts: 7,286   +24

    U already posted this mate.
     
  21. AMDIsTheBest010

    AMDIsTheBest010 TS Rookie Posts: 546

    a local comedian here in the US tells one, that makes me laugh every time.

    " it ws my brother anniversary, he and his wife couldnt decide on what to do"

    he wants to stay home and have sex, his wife wants to go to the OutBack and eat supper. and his grandma wanted to take them to the church and renew their wedding vows.

    so they all compromised, and:

    Had sex, outback the church

    ...AMD
     
  22. SOcRatEs

    SOcRatEs TechSpot Paladin Posts: 1,382

    The Moral Of The Story Is:

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
    go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
    Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
    he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
    mother.

    "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
    with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
    kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
    take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.... . At this point Mommy cut him off
    and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
    the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
    when you tell it tonight.

    "At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
    Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
    go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
    Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
    Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
    doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
    in the Army.

    Mommy fainted...
    THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

    Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.


    Hope yall enjoy it as much as I did before and after I fell out of my chair :haha:
     
  23. CMH

    CMH TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 2,573   +9

    Lawl.

    Nicely done.
     
  24. Rage_3K_Moiz

    Rage_3K_Moiz Sith Lord Topic Starter Posts: 7,286   +24

    Nice one! :grinthumb
    Wouldn't this be better at home in the Jokes Thread though? Just a thought.
     
  25. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 25,948   +19

    I agree. Threads merged.

    Very funny SOcRatEs :haha:

    Regards Howard :)
     


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