The jokes thread
- Thread starter Rage_3K_Moiz
- Start date
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
ROTFLMAO! Great to have u back man!
Grr_San_jose_Ca
Posts: 91 +0
dont know if this ones been posted but anyways
THis man walks in to a bathroom at a bar, he sees this midget next to him with the biggest penis he had ever seen the man tell him
"Dam that is one of the biggest penis ive ever seen"
The midget replies
"its because im no ordanary midget im a magical dwarf."
the man confused says
"a magical dwarf"
midget
"yes magical"
The man tells him
" I wish i can have a penis that big"
the midget
"i can make that happen for you but its painfull."
the man
"how?"
the midget
"well its going to hurt"
the man desides to go home and think about it. the next day he goes back to the bathroom in the bar and sees the midget. he tells him
"ok im willing to go through some pain to get a penis tha big"
the midget
"ok"
so he gets out some handcuffs and handcuffs him to the sink
the midget
"ok this is the painfull part."
so the midget pulls down his pants and shoves it righ in telling him
"this will make it come out more so it can get bigger"
the man is crying
the midget tells him
"ok now here is the easy part but you have to be truthfull"
the man
''ok"
The midget
"do you belive in santa clause?"
the man
" no that was all my parents?"
the midget
"do you belive in tha tooth fairy?"
the man
"no that was my parent to"
the midget
"then why the f*ck do you belive in magical dwarf?"
smacked him in the ***** and walked away
_________________
im from wsv IE. i like to kick back and party.
THis man walks in to a bathroom at a bar, he sees this midget next to him with the biggest penis he had ever seen the man tell him
"Dam that is one of the biggest penis ive ever seen"
The midget replies
"its because im no ordanary midget im a magical dwarf."
the man confused says
"a magical dwarf"
midget
"yes magical"
The man tells him
" I wish i can have a penis that big"
the midget
"i can make that happen for you but its painfull."
the man
"how?"
the midget
"well its going to hurt"
the man desides to go home and think about it. the next day he goes back to the bathroom in the bar and sees the midget. he tells him
"ok im willing to go through some pain to get a penis tha big"
the midget
"ok"
so he gets out some handcuffs and handcuffs him to the sink
the midget
"ok this is the painfull part."
so the midget pulls down his pants and shoves it righ in telling him
"this will make it come out more so it can get bigger"
the man is crying
the midget tells him
"ok now here is the easy part but you have to be truthfull"
the man
''ok"
The midget
"do you belive in santa clause?"
the man
" no that was all my parents?"
the midget
"do you belive in tha tooth fairy?"
the man
"no that was my parent to"
the midget
"then why the f*ck do you belive in magical dwarf?"
smacked him in the ***** and walked away
_________________
im from wsv IE. i like to kick back and party.
Jesse_hz
Posts: 475 +3
Little Timmy had been hearing about how all of his friends were "burning" CDs so one day after school he went home and threw all his favorite CDs in the fireplace lol.
This thread is for the use of lousy comedians and people with too much time on their hands only. Please don't post your own reggae lyrics in this thread. Instead please kick back and chill.
This thread is for the use of lousy comedians and people with too much time on their hands only. Please don't post your own reggae lyrics in this thread. Instead please kick back and chill.
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
Don't Talk To The Parrot!!!
Subject: Don't talk to my parrot
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother
you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about
his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, yo u stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See? Men just don't listen!!
Subject: Don't talk to my parrot
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother
you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about
his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, yo u stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See? Men just don't listen!!
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
About 60 years ago, a good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
kcid van ekyd
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
kcid van ekyd
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
this takes the british biscuit?
There has been a big bust up in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin from montana over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband, kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police said rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing with a ginger nut. unfortunately, they do not have a crumb of evidence to go on
There has been a big bust up in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin from montana over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband, kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police said rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing with a ginger nut. unfortunately, they do not have a crumb of evidence to go on
howard_hopkinso
Posts: 21,238 +17
A guy who thinks he`s real cool says to his wife.
" I bet you $100 you can`t tell me something that`ll make me happy and sad at the same time"
His wife replied.
"you`ve got a bigger penis than your brother"
Regards Howard
" I bet you $100 you can`t tell me something that`ll make me happy and sad at the same time"
His wife replied.
"you`ve got a bigger penis than your brother"
Regards Howard
T
tifc8lraz
Lol Howard. That's funny!
Howard. That's funny!
everyone loves pandas
a panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. he eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.
as the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "hey! where are you going? you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
the panda yells back at the bartender, "hey, im a PANDA, look it up!" the bartender opens up his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"a tree dwelling marsupial of asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. eats shoots and leaves."
a panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. he eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.
as the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "hey! where are you going? you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
the panda yells back at the bartender, "hey, im a PANDA, look it up!" the bartender opens up his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"a tree dwelling marsupial of asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. eats shoots and leaves."
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
an elderly gentleman was called into there local benefits agency to discuss his old age pension.
during the conversation the elderly gentle man was asked to prove he was 65yo. he replied, well, i have gray hair on my chest still! "show me", said the interviewing officer. the man raised his shirt and bared his gray haired chest. OK, that will do, you will get your pension.
on arriving back home, he told his wife about the showing of his chest. she replied, " you should have showed them your penis, we might have gotten disability too:haha:
during the conversation the elderly gentle man was asked to prove he was 65yo. he replied, well, i have gray hair on my chest still! "show me", said the interviewing officer. the man raised his shirt and bared his gray haired chest. OK, that will do, you will get your pension.
on arriving back home, he told his wife about the showing of his chest. she replied, " you should have showed them your penis, we might have gotten disability too:haha:
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
LMAO nice one! :grinthumb
luvhuffer
Posts: 431 +2
Well this isn't actually a joke. I got this e-mail the other day, then the following day there was a news article about Yahoo and AT&T spliting up which caused Yahoos stock to go down. I guess the sender got kind of mad that his e-mail got put in my spam folder? Anyway it sure made me feel special that he took the time to write me!
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
Mathematics
Just a little mathematics:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this;
• What makes 100%?
• What does it mean to give more than 100%?
• Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been at those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
• If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then:
• H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
• And, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
• But, A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
• And, B U L L S H I T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%
• And, look how far a*s kissing will take you: A S * K I S S I N G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and A*s Kissing will put you over the top.
Just a little mathematics:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this;
• What makes 100%?
• What does it mean to give more than 100%?
• Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been at those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
• If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then:
• H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
• And, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
• But, A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
• And, B U L L S H I T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%
• And, look how far a*s kissing will take you: A S * K I S S I N G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and A*s Kissing will put you over the top.
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
Hahahahahahaha. Hilarious! :grinthumb
LinkedKube
Posts: 3,385 +55
A small boy walks into a ***** house with a shoe box. He tells the head mistress. "I need one of your girls with HIV" She looks at the box, snatches it and looks inside, there's a dead frog inside. "What's this" she says. The boy replies "I want to have sex with your girl that has HIV, then I'll get it, then I'll go have sex with the girl down the street, then she'll get HIV, then she'll have sex with my dad and he'll get HIV, then he'll have sex with my mom, she'll get HIV, and my mom will have sex with the mail man, and that's the motherf**ker that stepped on my frog"
Chimworth
Posts: 19 +0
A guy comes into the bar with a pet monkey and starts to have a few beers. The monkey runs around snatching fries and other tid-bits from people's plates but no one seems to mind since he is fun to watch. The monkey jumps from the guy's shoulder, swings from the light, and lands on the pool table. The Monkey then promptly grabs the 8-ball and swallows it! The guy apologizes and decides it's time to leave.
A week later the guy and monkey return to the bar. Guy has a few, then the monkey starts his rounds again. This time he grabs a peanut from the dish, shoves it in his *** then eats it! The bartender dumbfounded asks the guy " Dude! What is up with your monkey??" Guy responds " Well ever since he ate that 8-ball he is checking everything for size" !!
A week later the guy and monkey return to the bar. Guy has a few, then the monkey starts his rounds again. This time he grabs a peanut from the dish, shoves it in his *** then eats it! The bartender dumbfounded asks the guy " Dude! What is up with your monkey??" Guy responds " Well ever since he ate that 8-ball he is checking everything for size" !!
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
A Lasting Marriage
A couple in their nineties were asked how their marriage lasted for 75+ years.
The wife explained that on their wedding day after the marriage they left the church and headed home in their horse-drawn carriage.
Before they even left the church the horse stumbled. My husband got out of the carriage and severely hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles".
Half way home the horse stumbled and my husband got out again and hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles, that's twice".
As we pulled into our lane way the horse stumbled again. My husband grabbed a gun and went to the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles. This is the third time." And he shot it.
I got out of the carriage and said "you shot a perfectly good horse!"
He said "no wife argues with me. That's once." :suspiciou
A couple in their nineties were asked how their marriage lasted for 75+ years.
The wife explained that on their wedding day after the marriage they left the church and headed home in their horse-drawn carriage.
Before they even left the church the horse stumbled. My husband got out of the carriage and severely hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles".
Half way home the horse stumbled and my husband got out again and hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles, that's twice".
As we pulled into our lane way the horse stumbled again. My husband grabbed a gun and went to the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles. This is the third time." And he shot it.
I got out of the carriage and said "you shot a perfectly good horse!"
He said "no wife argues with me. That's once." :suspiciou
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
Lost
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
halo71
Posts: 1,006 +1
The auditor and the gambler
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand >
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you
okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk, and that
you'd be happy about it.
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand >
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you
okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk, and that
you'd be happy about it.
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