The jokes thread

joke part 2

joke part 2

Bump! We need more jokes!

Well???

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?











Gee! We really do taste like chicken!

Guy goes into a bar. He starts chatting with the bartender and winds up staying til closing and heads home blindingly drunk.

The guy shows up at the bar again the next evening and the bartender says "Hey guy, how ya feeling? You could hardly walk when ya left last night."

Guy says "Last night was TERRIBLE! I was so drunk when I got home that I blew chunk's right in my front yard."puke:

Bartender to the guy "That not so bad, people drink themselves sick all the time."

Guy says "I didn't get sick last night"

Bartender, now mystified says "But you said you blew chunk's last night when you got home".


wait for it.....
















wait for it......















Guy says "Man, Chunk's is my dog...."

Art Education

A couple attending the National Art Gallery was staring at a portrait that
had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and
totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black
weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly
half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society... "In fact," he
pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society.


"After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple."Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied,
"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.




They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.








:rolleyes:

Practicality

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."



Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."



"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said "Lord-it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"



To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?






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Who Is The Fairest In The Land...

snow white, quasi modo and prince charming were chatting. snow white said, did you know that there is a magic mirror, and it told me that i was the most beautiful lady in the land. prince charming looked at her and thought, well i must be the most handsome! so off he went to ask the mirror. on his return he told them that he had consulted the magic mirror, and it told him, that he was the most handsomest in the land. quasi openly said, then i must be the ugliest!
snow white and the prince told him, go consult the mirror. OK he said, and off he went.
when he returned they both said, well??
quasi said, do either of you know who Howard Hopkinso is ??:haha: :haha:

die-vorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"He says, "because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better
lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck.


"I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car,
too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,

"Isn't
there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall,
she turns to him and smiles:

"The airbag!"

hahahahahahaha thats bloody brilliant!

Read and learn

I friend of mine wrote this. I just translated it to English.

Bad excuses for late papers/reports.

1. I dropped my pen behind the radiator.

2. SNL was on yesterday, couldn't miss that for homework.

3. My arthritis was acting up again.

4. I couldn't see the keys on the keyboard for my enormous chest.

5. It was my assignment-partners fault! ( use when alone )

6. I had forgotten where the school was.

7. Yeah but, I was in school yesterday. I was just wearing my invisible clothes, duh.

If you've fallen asleep

1. I wasn't sleeping – I was trying to put my contacts in without using my hands.

2. I wasn't sleeping – I was doing a very advanced yoga exercise to relieve school related stress.

3. The people at the blood bank said that this could happen.

Why alcohol should be served in schools

1. It makes honest conversation more frequent in class.

2. People will be more motivated to stay in school.

3. Classmates look a lot better.

4. Farts are less embarrassing.

Pete asks his teacher:
- Teacher, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do ?
Teacher answers:
- No, of course not.
Pete answers:
- Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework. Owned

--
If some of this is out of line tell me and I'll edit immediately or a mod will probably edit it.

That`s quite funny lol.

I have merged it into the jokes thread.

Regards Howard

LOL where's tomrca? His jokes are the best! :grinthumb

How many emachine owners does it take to change a lightbulb??

None, because no matter how many times you change it, it still wont work!!

LOL Tedster's gonna be thrilled!

Worst christmas cracker jokes this year????? You know the abismal ones I mean!

The dodgiest one I got this year with my dinner....

When are cars like frogs? When they get toad!


:S

What's the best part about thirty eight year olds? There's thirty of them.

I went to the bar and picked up a very good looking young lady. She said put me down.

Okay so there's this English teacher who's a wannabe hitman and he's given a contract by a party to assassinate a guy in the lobby of a hotel. When the party checks the scene of the crime, the guy is found standing behind 2 donkeys and they're all in front of a wall covered with map of the country and surrounded by police. His reasoning:
ASSASSINATION=***-***-I-NATION!

Like an emachine owner could even do THAT!

Jesse_hz, are you saying they prefer to be kept in the dark!!

"kept in the dark!" - was that a play on words or did you mean it litterally?