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The jokes thread

By Rage_3K_Moiz
Jan 4, 2006
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  1. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    Halo71, That was an excellent one!
  2. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    Why thank you! ;)
  3. Rage_3K_Moiz

    Rage_3K_Moiz Sith Lord Topic Starter Posts: 7,286   +24

    Hilarious one halo71!
  4. CMH

    CMH TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 2,573   +9

    I've seen that one before, but its still good :D
  5. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Innovative
    b) Preliminary
    c) Proliferation
    d) Cinnamon

    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Specificity
    b) British Constitution
    c) Passive-aggressive disorder
    d) Transubstantiate

    Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

    a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
    b) Nope, no more booze for me.
    c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    d) No kebab for me, thank you.
    e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
    f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
    g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
    h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
    i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
  6. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    Holy Shot!!!

    One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
    Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

    ''No, I guess not,'' says God.

    The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

    Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

    To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
  7. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    The Moral of the Story

    Everyone has probably already heard this one, but here goes again.....




    The Teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

    > Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of
    it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by
    one began to tell their

    stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and
    pennies
    saved.

    But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
    left.

    "Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Shirley.

    She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and

    all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break

    and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
    troops.

    She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
    bullets,

    killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,

    and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

    "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible
    story?"

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Shirley when she's drinking!"

    Report to moderator Logged

    Negative thoughts about others say something about your self
  8. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    Reincarnation

    Hope this one isn't to bad for this forum......

    Tom did like he always does, he kissed his wife, crawled into bed and feel asleep.

    All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter and you are in heaven."
    "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours." Tom thought about it for a while,
    and figured that being a dog is too tiring;
    but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

    ”I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, now he felt like his @ss was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about, how do you like being a hen?"
    "Well, OK, I guess, but it feels like my @ss is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
    "How do I do that?" "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed and pushed; then 'plop,' an egg was on the ground.
    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
    squeezed. And plop, out came another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake!
    Wake up! You're sh*tting all over the bed!" Bet you didn't see that end coming!!
  9. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    The trucker and the blonde.

    This one is a little chessy......


    As a trucker stops for a red light; a blonde catches up to him and stops behind his truck. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..................
    "Hi Heather, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
  10. halo71

    halo71 TS Rookie Posts: 1,289

    Know your state motto?

    KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

    Alabama
    Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
    Alaska
    11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
    Arizona
    Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
    Arkansas
    Literacy Ain't Everythang.
    California
    By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
    Colorado
    If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
    Connecticut
    Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
    Delaware
    We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
    Florida
    Ask Us About Our Grand kids...And Our Voting Skills.
    Georgia
    We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
    Hawaii
    Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
    (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
    Idaho
    More Than Just Potatoes..Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
    Illinois
    Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
    Indiana
    2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    Iowa
    We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    Kansas
    First Of The Rectangle States
    Kentucky
    Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    Louisiana
    We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
    Maine
    We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    Maryland
    If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
    Massachusetts
    Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
    Michigan
    First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
    Minnesota
    10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
    Mississippi
    Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
    Missouri
    Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
    Montana
    Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, &Honest Elections!
    Nebraska
    Ask About Our State Motto Contest
    Nevada
    Hookers and Poker!
    New Hampshire
    Go Away And Leave Us Alone
    New Jersey
    You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
    New Mexico
    Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    New York
    You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
    And No Right To Self Defense!
    North Carolina
    Tobacco Is A Vegetable
    North Dakota
    We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
    Ohio
    At Least We're Not Michigan
    Oklahoma
    Like The Play, But No Singing
    Oregon
    Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
    Pennsylvania
    Cook With Coal, Groundhog Day...swear by it!
    Rhode Island
    We're Not REALLY An Island
    South Carolina
    Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
    South Dakota
    Closer Than North Dakota
    Tennessee
    Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
    Texas
    Se Hable Ingles
    Utah
    Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    Vermont
    Too liberal for the Kennedys
    Virginia
    Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
    Washington
    Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
    West Virginia
    One Big Happy Family... Really!
    Wisconsin
    Come Cut the Cheese!
    Wyoming
    Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
    The District of Columbia
    The Work-Free Drug Place!
  11. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    High Tech

    Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and
    the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
    pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

    A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young man lifted his palm to
    his ear. When he had finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
    have a microchip in my hand".

    The older man felt very low tech and wasn't to be outdone, he decided he had
    to do something impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
    bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
    rear end.
    The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him . The older man finally
    said "Well, will you look at that.........I'm getting a fax !!
     
  12. wolfram

    wolfram TechSpot Paladin Posts: 2,605   +9

    I was too lazy to open a new thread just for this :p

    http://www.screensmasher.com/


    Go Ahead, Whack Your Computer
    (You know you want to)

    The ScreenSmasher™ is

    * 100% Safe
    * More fun than therapy
    * Deeply satisfying, with realistic glass-shattering effects
    * Less effort than throwing your PC out the window

    Lol :haha:
  13. tomrca

    tomrca TS Rookie Posts: 1,051

    complaints

    These are genuine clips from letters sent to the Council Housing

    Department...............



    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has

    fungus growing on it.



    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't

    take it anymore.



    3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.



    4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my

    knob off.



    5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put

    his foot in the hole in his back passage.



    6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my

    fence.



    7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet

    roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.



    8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?



    9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped

    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.



    10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



    11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just

    plain filthy.



    12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.



    13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

    cleared.



    14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour

    and not fit to drink.



    15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

    unsightly and dangerous.



    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third

    so please send someone round to do something about it.



    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

    do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.



    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

    wife.



    20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I

    have no satisfaction.



    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't

    get BBC2.
  14. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    :) That was a really good one, Tomrca. :)
  15. tomrca

    tomrca TS Rookie Posts: 1,051

    Golf

    Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
    found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
    woman appeared.

    She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
    those buttercups?
    Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
    popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
    butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....
    As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the
    rest of your life!!!!!

    Then POOF!......she was gone!
    After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
    where are you?"

    Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ssupy willows."
    Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
    SWING!!"
  16. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    tomrac,
    Excellent, LOL. I haven't come across anything worth posting lately, but that sure did make me laugh.
  17. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer TechSpot Paladin Posts: 638

    This is one of them jokes where you have to be an old geezer like me to really appreciate it.

    A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
    "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
    "Sure."
    "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
    "No, I can remember it."
    "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
    He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
    Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    Then says "Where's my toast?"
  18. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    And you thought spelling mattered?

    fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
    Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

    i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
  19. LinkedKube

    LinkedKube TechSpot Project Baby Posts: 4,265   +41

    lol i dont believe i can read that either. ha good one
  20. That's pretty amazing. I can't believe that I read it as fast as I did. Lol.
  21. beef_jerky4104

    beef_jerky4104 Banned Posts: 1,094

    Haha, nice. Thats something my dad would do.
  22. CMH

    CMH TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 2,573   +9

    lol

    mabye we sluohd all psot enihtyrevg in topshcet lkie tihs. It cluod be kdnia fun...
  23. ravisunny2

    ravisunny2 TS Ambassador Posts: 2,057   +8

    I quess I belong to the 55% group (the ones with a 'strange mind').

    Remarkably easy.
  24. Stacey

    Stacey TS Rookie Posts: 153

    55%

    I gsues a lot of us are in the 55% that can read it. Have a geart day!
  25. CMH

    CMH TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 2,573   +9

    Wlel, 55 pnecret of the poitalupon can raed tihs, so taht mnaes mroe tahn hlaf of us sluohd be albe to raed tihs.

    I wednor if the oehtr hlaf can eevn raed to sratt wtih.


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