The jokes thread

As in literally!!

What I meant was (without regard for context) that if you told an emachine owner to do a simple task like change a light bulb (s)he wouldn't even be able to do that!

He or she would definately have problems as a lightbulb, like an emachine, doesnt come with a manual thats of any use!!

christamas and new year over children back to school!
well anyway, i went to pick up my 6yr old grandaughter from school on her first day back. When i got there she was in tears! i hugged her and asked her what had upset her? she told me that they had all been given new places to sit in, and she didn't like it. so she told the teacher this. the teacher told her to sit there for the present, so i did she said, and i have been sitting here all day, and i still haven't got it! :haha:

A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £50." The next day someone stole it.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!!

ROTFLMAO! Great to have u back man!

dont know if this ones been posted but anyways

THis man walks in to a bathroom at a bar, he sees this midget next to him with the biggest penis he had ever seen the man tell him
"Dam that is one of the biggest penis ive ever seen"
The midget replies
"its because im no ordanary midget im a magical dwarf."
the man confused says
"a magical dwarf"
midget
"yes magical"
The man tells him
" I wish i can have a penis that big"
the midget
"i can make that happen for you but its painfull."
the man
"how?"
the midget
"well its going to hurt"
the man desides to go home and think about it. the next day he goes back to the bathroom in the bar and sees the midget. he tells him
"ok im willing to go through some pain to get a penis tha big"
the midget
"ok"
so he gets out some handcuffs and handcuffs him to the sink
the midget
"ok this is the painfull part."
so the midget pulls down his pants and shoves it righ in telling him
"this will make it come out more so it can get bigger"
the man is crying
the midget tells him
"ok now here is the easy part but you have to be truthfull"
the man
''ok"
The midget
"do you belive in santa clause?"
the man
" no that was all my parents?"
the midget
"do you belive in tha tooth fairy?"
the man
"no that was my parent to"
the midget
"then why the f*ck do you belive in magical dwarf?"
smacked him in the ***** and walked away
_________________
im from wsv IE. i like to kick back and party.

Little Timmy had been hearing about how all of his friends were "burning" CDs so one day after school he went home and threw all his favorite CDs in the fireplace lol.

This thread is for the use of lousy comedians and people with too much time on their hands only. Please don't post your own reggae lyrics in this thread. Instead please kick back and chill.

Farmers in the EU

Why do farmers only get buried 3 feet down....

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So they can still get a hand-out

Don't Talk To The Parrot!!!

Subject: Don't talk to my parrot



DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother
you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about
his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, yo u stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See? Men just don't listen!!

About 60 years ago, a good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

kcid van ekyd

two men canoeing down a river. one of them sees a crocodile on the riverbank with a mans head sticking out of it's mouth. he turns to his friend and says, "hey look at that flash git in his LACOST SLEEPING BAG".

this takes the british biscuit?

There has been a big bust up in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin from montana over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband, kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police said rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing with a ginger nut. unfortunately, they do not have a crumb of evidence to go on

So...

An Indian, a Rabbi, a Priest and a Cowboy walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says, "Hey... What is this... a joke?!"


da dum... cha........

.....

A guy who thinks he`s real cool says to his wife.

" I bet you $100 you can`t tell me something that`ll make me happy and sad at the same time"

His wife replied.

"you`ve got a bigger penis than your brother"

Regards Howard

Lol Howard. That's funny!

everyone loves pandas

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. he eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.

as the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "hey! where are you going? you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

the panda yells back at the bartender, "hey, im a PANDA, look it up!" the bartender opens up his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"a tree dwelling marsupial of asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. eats shoots and leaves."

8 year old, 14 stone boy was asked by a reporter,' what is your favourite musical instrument'? he replied, the dinner bell

an elderly gentleman was called into there local benefits agency to discuss his old age pension.
during the conversation the elderly gentle man was asked to prove he was 65yo. he replied, well, i have gray hair on my chest still! "show me", said the interviewing officer. the man raised his shirt and bared his gray haired chest. OK, that will do, you will get your pension.
on arriving back home, he told his wife about the showing of his chest. she replied, " you should have showed them your penis, we might have gotten disability too:haha: