The jokes thread

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
 
Holy Shot!!!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
 
The Moral of the Story

Everyone has probably already heard this one, but here goes again.....




The Teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

> Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of
it.

The next day the kids came back and one by
one began to tell their

stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and
pennies
saved.

But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Shirley.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and

all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break

and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets,

killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,

and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible
story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Shirley when she's drinking!"

Report to moderator Logged

Negative thoughts about others say something about your self
 
Reincarnation

Hope this one isn't to bad for this forum......

Tom did like he always does, he kissed his wife, crawled into bed and feel asleep.

All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours." Tom thought about it for a while,
and figured that being a dog is too tiring;
but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

”I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, now he felt like his @ss was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about, how do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK, I guess, but it feels like my @ss is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed and pushed; then 'plop,' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And plop, out came another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake!
Wake up! You're sh*tting all over the bed!" Bet you didn't see that end coming!!
 
The trucker and the blonde.

This one is a little chessy......


As a trucker stops for a red light; a blonde catches up to him and stops behind his truck. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..................
"Hi Heather, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 
Know your state motto?

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand kids...And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes..Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, &Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal, Groundhog Day...swear by it!
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!
 
High Tech

Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young man lifted his palm to
his ear. When he had finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The older man felt very low tech and wasn't to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him . The older man finally
said "Well, will you look at that.........I'm getting a fax !!
 
I was too lazy to open a new thread just for this :p

http://www.screensmasher.com/


Go Ahead, Whack Your Computer
(You know you want to)

The ScreenSmasher™ is

* 100% Safe
* More fun than therapy
* Deeply satisfying, with realistic glass-shattering effects
* Less effort than throwing your PC out the window

Lol :haha:
 
complaints

These are genuine clips from letters sent to the Council Housing

Department...............



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has

fungus growing on it.



2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't

take it anymore.



3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.



4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my

knob off.



5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put

his foot in the hole in his back passage.



6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my

fence.



7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet

roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.



8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?



9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped

and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.



10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just

plain filthy.



12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.



13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

cleared.



14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour

and not fit to drink.



15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

unsightly and dangerous.



17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third

so please send someone round to do something about it.



18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.



19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

wife.



20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I

have no satisfaction.



21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't

get BBC2.
 
Golf

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the
rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ssupy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!"
 
tomrac,
Excellent, LOL. I haven't come across anything worth posting lately, but that sure did make me laugh.
 
This is one of them jokes where you have to be an old geezer like me to really appreciate it.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
Then says "Where's my toast?"
 
And you thought spelling mattered?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
 
That's pretty amazing. I can't believe that I read it as fast as I did. Lol.
 
Stacey said:
Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young man lifted his palm to
his ear. When he had finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The older man felt very low tech and wasn't to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him . The older man finally
said "Well, will you look at that.........I'm getting a fax !!

Haha, nice. Thats something my dad would do.
 
lol

mabye we sluohd all psot enihtyrevg in topshcet lkie tihs. It cluod be kdnia fun...
 
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

I quess I belong to the 55% group (the ones with a 'strange mind').

Remarkably easy.
 
Wlel, 55 pnecret of the poitalupon can raed tihs, so taht mnaes mroe tahn hlaf of us sluohd be albe to raed tihs.

I wednor if the oehtr hlaf can eevn raed to sratt wtih.
 
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