Hey guys just thought that everybody needs a break from everthing here now and then. So I decided to start a jokes thread. Lets get it going people.
Ok here are some I know:
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out". Both were very
faithful, loving wives, however, they had gotten a bit over
enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.

One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and
use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't
want to ruin them. Luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh
wreath with a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He
phoned the other husband, and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card
stuck in the crack of her *** that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE
STATION...WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

---------------------------------------------------
BMW
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously
knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely
unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Winning the Lottery!

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her
house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies."Do I pack for the beach or
the mountains?"

Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"
-------------------------------------------------
Intelligence (but I still agree that Women are smarter :P)

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window. For a few moments
everything was silent in the cab. Then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me." The frightened
passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... for the
last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.

What do you call somebody who starts a joke thread in a techspot forum ?

Hey man just thought it would act as a meeting place for people, u know, to break the ice and just get ur mind off tech-stuff for an instant. U can report it to the moderators if u think its unnecessary or irritating.

I was just joking.:)

Gay bloke goes to the doctor..
doctor says "im afraid its bad news..your HIV positive"
Gay bloke says "sh*t ..what should i do??"
Doctor " well for starters you should make up a list of all the people you've slept with..let them know to get tested.."
Gay bloke says " what you think I have eyes in the back of my head!!!!"

Continuing the theme-

Patient: Doctor have I got HIV ?
Doctor: `fraid so.
Patient: Are you positive ?
Doctor : No,you are.

Ah well gues I was a bit thick in the head. :P
Here's a nice OBL joke I read on the net.

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster).

Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games.
Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey.
Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food.
Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen"
scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:p


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


hey thats my joke!!!! i told that on a thread that spiralled into american politics and got slated it for it!!!.....no fair :(

Nice one hewybo/toffeeapple!!! ;)

hey thats my joke!!!! i told that on a thread that spiralled into american politics and got slated it for it!!!.....no fair :(

I missed that thread, I guess, Toffe- you can have it back, I claim no credit. ( however, don't ya think it sounds better told by an American? some of us have eyes wide open!)


A study conducted by UCLA's Dept. of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a
bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

:angel:

I missed that thread, I guess, Toffe- you can have it back, I claim no credit. ( however, don't ya think it sounds better told by an American? some of us have eyes wide open!)

thats alright i haven't got it patented or anything!!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

***************************************************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But, remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Dirty one....

Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?
.
.
.
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out....

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with valuables, when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.Finally, he switched on his flashlight and played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.
He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin. He switched the flashlight on again and the beam shook from his terror. He looked around the room, and noticed a bird cage in the corner.
There was a parrot in the cage.
"Are you the one talking to me?" said the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man.
"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.
By this time, the man had recovered from his fright. He was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him.
"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Ha," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot'Moses'?"
"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."





:eek:

Why rednecks can't be paramedics:

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A m! an! reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses, what do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"!

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies???"


:blush:

A Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the
terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"



:chef:

Bloke goes in to the doctor and says" doctor i can't stop singing the green greeen grass of home!"

Doc says "sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome..."

Bloke says" never heard of it...is it common?"
.
.
.
.
.,
Doctors says..............................." It's not unusual"

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the
terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"



:chef:
LOL That was great! ;)

Philosophy in a "jokes" thread?





Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and homeland security.





----------------------------------------------------------------------------- :wave:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange. There was a
short line ... just one person in front of me ... an Asian guy who
was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations..."




The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!"
:rolleyes:

My favs, the atom jokes:

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.
The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!"

What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium


Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state
--------------------

Ok fine, a couple are lame :)

Yo momma so fat her belt size is equator!

Yo momma so fat her shadow weighs a hundred pounds!

Yo momma so fat when she goes to a movie she sits next to everyone!

Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up!

Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
-------

ok enough of that

YAY! I was beginning to think that me, Toffe, and Moiz were the only ones with a sense of humidity!

A woman once said a man is like a deck of cards. You need...

A heart to love him.

A diamond to marry him.

A club to beat him, and ....

A spade to bury the SOB.

Regards Howard :)

Why did George Bush cross the road?
Because his penis was stuck in the chicken!

YAY! I was beginning to think that me, Toffe, and Moiz were the only ones with a sense of humidity!

Not so.

Unfortunately, most of the jokes I know couldn`t be put in this thread, because they wouldn`t be suitable for everyone. :p

Regards Howard :)

(not sure if this is alright, but here goes)
Jesus walks into a bar, slaps four nails on the counter and says 'can you put me up for the night'

Impotence: Gods way of saying 'no hard feelings'

-taking the mick out of the mastercard advert-
Contraceptives=£2.99
Alcohol=£5.99
Poking holes in your mates diagphram for a laugh=Priceless

Finger's



Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in the clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do. Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers." "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring dose fingers wit youse?" To which Ole says........


"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
:grinthumb

LOL! :grinthumb

Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."

(this joke was originally about irish knackers(like gipsies) but i thought i would change it for my american buddy hewybo..hope the translation was ok)

Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."

(this joke was originally about irish knackers(like gipsies) but i thought i would change it for my american buddy hewybo..hope the translation was ok)

Ya transmogrified it jes' rite, pard! Us hillbillies have our pride!!
(by the way, I live in a "trailer") :p

Another president joke :p

Warning: The surgin general has announced that smoking cigars may cause cervical cancer. ;)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you . . "


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea . . . you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and fart.
:confused:

I'm gunna tell this one from memory, and try to keep it cleaner. And shorten it up.

A middle aged man is having trouble getting a stify. He's tried every doctor and pill and remedy. So he finally turns to a witch doctor. The witch doctor agrees to take the case.
He performs a cerimony on the man and tells him, "it is done. All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and you will be the stiffest you've ever been, for as long as you want. But this only works ONCE per year."
So the man, a bit sceptical, says "ok", and asks how to turn it off. The doctor says, have your wife say "1 2 3 4".

So the next night he goes home, takes a shower, shaves, puts on his best after shave. And that night while laying next to his wife he says out loud to himself, "1 2 3". He was surprised to feel quite an effect immediately! He was so exicted, he turns to his wife and she looks over at him and says "what did you say one two three for?".

OWNED!

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

Regards Howard :)

Ya transmogrified it jes' rite, pard! Us hillbillies have our pride!!
(by the way, I live in a "trailer") :p

I lived in one my self..better than a box

Long one so get ready.....

Guy w/ leprosy walks into a bar near the desert and walk up to the bar.

"Bar keep can I have a beer, its awful hot outside and I am really thirsty, but I will only have one so I do not scare off many of your customers."

"Not to worry mate, have a beer you look like you could use it."

While he drinks the beer half the customers get up and leave.

"Man that beer really hit the spot, I could really use another, but I better be on my way I seem to be scaring your customers away."

"No worries mate it's not your fault here have another beer."

As he drinks the 2nd beer all the customers but the guy next to him get up and walk out.

"Wow the beer here is something else, its to bad I have to leave as I have scared off all your customers."

"No, mate I am telling ya they are not leaving on your account.

"OK then give me another beer, its your bar."

With that the last man gets up and leaves.

"Now look at that you can not tell me every last person in here did not leave because I was here drinking beer and there where scared of me."

"Sure can mate."

"What the...., tell me then why did they leave?

"You saw that last bloke to leave? Well he was dipping his potato chips into your neck the whole time."

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............






:haha:

Two tampons are walking down the road. Which one speaks first?

-

-

Neither, they're both stuck up c**ts


Lucky I filtered it lmao

Recently, while accessing info available through the Freedom Of
Information Act, I discovered that the National Transportation Safety Board has been
"covertly" funding a project whereby the automakers have been installing
black box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an
attempt to determine why there are so many rollovers.

These recorders are designed to record the last 15 seconds of
conversation before the rollover occurs. After tabulating the first five years of
data a pattern has developed as follows:

1. In 48 of the 50 states the last words recorded in 61.2 percent
of the rollovers were, "Oh Sh*t!".

2. Only Upper Wisconsin and Upper Michigan were different, where in
89.3 percent of the rollovers the last words spoken were, "Hold my
beer, I'm gonna try somethin".
:cool: :chef:

LOL here's a nice one.
George Bush dies and goes to Hell. He's met by the Devil and is told that because of all the bad deeds he has done, he is going to get one of three special punishments. Bush agrees and the Devil takes him into one of three different rooms. This one has Donald Rumsfeld, who has also died, swimming in a huge pool of boiling water and screaming and cursing loudly. Bush refuses to go in his place and is taken to the next room. This one has Nixon who is hanging from chains that are red hot. His skin is blistered and he is screaming in agony. Bush is horrified and refuses this one too. The next room has Bill Clinton sitting on a sofa with Monica Lewinsky giving him a blowjob. Bush immediately agrees to take this punishment and the Devil then says
"Okay Monica, move over it's his turn now."
;)

A hillbilly is riding an express bus when all of a sudden he feels the urge to take a dump. There are no rest rooms on the bus so he asks the bus driver to stop the bus. "Bus driver," he exclaims, "I gotta go real bad. Please stop the bus." "I can't said the bus driver. This is a non-stop express bus, but since there is hardly anyone on the bus, just go to the back, roll a window up and lean your rear out. I won't tell if you won't!"

Out of desparation, the hillbilly is forced to do just that. He goes to the back of the bus, rolls a window up, drops trowel and leans his rear out the window and takes a dump.

Meanwhile, two hillbillies are sitting at the side of the road when they see the bus pass by.

One hillbilly says to the other, "Man, did you see the smile on that guys face?"

The other turns and says, "yeah, but did you see the tobacco chew hanging out his mouth?" :stickout:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?



The *****le is usually in charge !!

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who gives a **it


:knock: :approve:

A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a
party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and
BBQandflirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing
the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator
and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
pool."

You gotta cover your own A** (http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

(not that I'm normally one to bypass the swearfilter, but it simply got it wrong. The control area of an aircraft is a legitimate word. lol)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in c.ockpit.
S: Something tightened in c.ockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in c.ockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.