joke part 2

Bump! We need more jokes!

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?











Gee! We really do taste like chicken!:eek:

Guy goes into a bar. He starts chatting with the bartender and winds up staying til closing and heads home blindingly drunk.

The guy shows up at the bar again the next evening and the bartender says "Hey guy, how ya feeling? You could hardly walk when ya left last night."

Guy says "Last night was TERRIBLE! I was so drunk when I got home that I blew chunk's right in my front yard."puke:

Bartender to the guy "That not so bad, people drink themselves sick all the time."

Guy says "I didn't get sick last night"

Bartender, now mystified says "But you said you blew chunk's last night when you got home".


wait for it.....
















wait for it......















Guy says "Man, Chunk's is my dog...." :eek:

A couple attending the National Art Gallery was staring at a portrait that
had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and
totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black
weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly
half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society... "In fact," he
pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society.


"After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple."Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied,
"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.




They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.








:rolleyes:

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."



Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."



"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said "Lord-it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"



To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.



:D

snow white, quasi modo and prince charming were chatting. snow white said, did you know that there is a magic mirror, and it told me that i was the most beautiful lady in the land. prince charming looked at her and thought, well i must be the most handsome! so off he went to ask the mirror. on his return he told them that he had consulted the magic mirror, and it told him, that he was the most handsomest in the land. quasi openly said, then i must be the ugliest!
snow white and the prince told him, go consult the mirror. OK he said, and off he went.
when he returned they both said, well??
quasi said, do either of you know who Howard Hopkinso is ??:haha: :haha:

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"He says, "because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better
lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck.


"I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car,
too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,

"Isn't
there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall,
she turns to him and smiles:

"The airbag!"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............






:haha:


hahahahahahaha thats bloody brilliant!

I friend of mine wrote this. I just translated it to English.

Bad excuses for late papers/reports.

1. I dropped my pen behind the radiator.

2. SNL was on yesterday, couldn't miss that for homework.

3. My arthritis was acting up again.

4. I couldn't see the keys on the keyboard for my enormous chest. :)

5. It was my assignment-partners fault! ( use when alone )

6. I had forgotten where the school was.

7. Yeah but, I was in school yesterday. I was just wearing my invisible clothes, duh.

If you've fallen asleep

1. I wasn't sleeping – I was trying to put my contacts in without using my hands.

2. I wasn't sleeping – I was doing a very advanced yoga exercise to relieve school related stress.

3. The people at the blood bank said that this could happen.

Why alcohol should be served in schools

1. It makes honest conversation more frequent in class.

2. People will be more motivated to stay in school.

3. Classmates look a lot better.

4. Farts are less embarrassing.


Pete asks his teacher:
- Teacher, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do ?
Teacher answers:
- No, of course not.
Pete answers:
- Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework. Owned :P

--
If some of this is out of line tell me and I'll edit immediately or a mod will probably edit it.

That`s quite funny lol.

I have merged it into the jokes thread.

Regards Howard :)

LOL where's tomrca? His jokes are the best! :grinthumb

How many emachine owners does it take to change a lightbulb??

None, because no matter how many times you change it, it still wont work!!

LOL Tedster's gonna be thrilled! ;)

Worst christmas cracker jokes this year????? You know the abismal ones I mean!

The dodgiest one I got this year with my dinner....

When are cars like frogs? When they get toad!


:S

What's the best part about thirty eight year olds? There's thirty of them.

I went to the bar and picked up a very good looking young lady. She said put me down.

Okay so there's this English teacher who's a wannabe hitman and he's given a contract by a party to assassinate a guy in the lobby of a hotel. When the party checks the scene of the crime, the guy is found standing behind 2 donkeys and they're all in front of a wall covered with map of the country and surrounded by police. His reasoning:
ASSASSINATION=***-***-I-NATION! ;)

How many emachine owners does it take to change a lightbulb??
Like an emachine owner could even do THAT!

Jesse_hz, are you saying they prefer to be kept in the dark!!:D

"kept in the dark!" - was that a play on words or did you mean it litterally? :)

As in literally!!:D

What I meant was (without regard for context) that if you told an emachine owner to do a simple task like change a light bulb (s)he wouldn't even be able to do that!

He or she would definately have problems as a lightbulb, like an emachine, doesnt come with a manual thats of any use!!:D

christamas and new year over children back to school!
well anyway, i went to pick up my 6yr old grandaughter from school on her first day back. When i got there she was in tears! i hugged her and asked her what had upset her? she told me that they had all been given new places to sit in, and she didn't like it. so she told the teacher this. the teacher told her to sit there for the present, so i did she said, and i have been sitting here all day, and i still haven't got it! :haha:

A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £50." The next day someone stole it.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!!

ROTFLMAO! Great to have u back man!

dont know if this ones been posted but anyways

THis man walks in to a bathroom at a bar, he sees this midget next to him with the biggest penis he had ever seen the man tell him
"Dam that is one of the biggest penis ive ever seen"
The midget replies
"its because im no ordanary midget im a magical dwarf."
the man confused says
"a magical dwarf"
midget
"yes magical"
The man tells him
" I wish i can have a penis that big"
the midget
"i can make that happen for you but its painfull."
the man
"how?"
the midget
"well its going to hurt"
the man desides to go home and think about it. the next day he goes back to the bathroom in the bar and sees the midget. he tells him
"ok im willing to go through some pain to get a penis tha big"
the midget
"ok"
so he gets out some handcuffs and handcuffs him to the sink
the midget
"ok this is the painfull part."
so the midget pulls down his pants and shoves it righ in telling him
"this will make it come out more so it can get bigger"
the man is crying
the midget tells him
"ok now here is the easy part but you have to be truthfull"
the man
''ok"
The midget
"do you belive in santa clause?"
the man
" no that was all my parents?"
the midget
"do you belive in tha tooth fairy?"
the man
"no that was my parent to"
the midget
"then why the f*ck do you belive in magical dwarf?"
smacked him in the ***** and walked away
_________________
im from wsv IE. i like to kick back and party.

Little Timmy had been hearing about how all of his friends were "burning" CDs so one day after school he went home and threw all his favorite CDs in the fireplace lol.

This thread is for the use of lousy comedians and people with too much time on their hands only. Please don't post your own reggae lyrics in this thread. Instead please kick back and chill.

Why do farmers only get buried 3 feet down....

.......
.....
....
...
..
..
..
..

So they can still get a hand-out

Subject: Don't talk to my parrot



DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother
you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about
his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, yo u stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See? Men just don't listen!!

About 60 years ago, a good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

kcid van ekyd

two men canoeing down a river. one of them sees a crocodile on the riverbank with a mans head sticking out of it's mouth. he turns to his friend and says, "hey look at that flash git in his LACOST SLEEPING BAG".

There has been a big bust up in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin from montana over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband, kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police said rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing with a ginger nut. unfortunately, they do not have a crumb of evidence to go on

So...

An Indian, a Rabbi, a Priest and a Cowboy walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says, "Hey... What is this... a joke?!"


da dum... cha........

.....

A guy who thinks he`s real cool says to his wife.

" I bet you $100 you can`t tell me something that`ll make me happy and sad at the same time"

His wife replied.

"you`ve got a bigger penis than your brother"

Regards Howard :)

Lol :D Howard. That's funny!

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. he eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.

as the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "hey! where are you going? you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

the panda yells back at the bartender, "hey, im a PANDA, look it up!" the bartender opens up his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"a tree dwelling marsupial of asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. eats shoots and leaves."

8 year old, 14 stone boy was asked by a reporter,' what is your favourite musical instrument'? he replied, the dinner bell

an elderly gentleman was called into there local benefits agency to discuss his old age pension.
during the conversation the elderly gentle man was asked to prove he was 65yo. he replied, well, i have gray hair on my chest still! "show me", said the interviewing officer. the man raised his shirt and bared his gray haired chest. OK, that will do, you will get your pension.
on arriving back home, he told his wife about the showing of his chest. she replied, " you should have showed them your penis, we might have gotten disability too:haha:

LMAO nice one! :grinthumb

Well this isn't actually a joke. I got this e-mail the other day, then the following day there was a news article about Yahoo and AT&T spliting up which caused Yahoos stock to go down. I guess the sender got kind of mad that his e-mail got put in my spam folder? Anyway it sure made me feel special that he took the time to write me!
http://angryhippy.net/images/god2.jpg

Just a little mathematics:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this;
• What makes 100%?
• What does it mean to give more than 100%?
• Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been at those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
• If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then:
• H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

• And, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

• But, A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%

• And, B U L L S H I T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%

• And, look how far a*s kissing will take you: A S * K I S S I N G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and A*s Kissing will put you over the top.

Hahahahahahaha. Hilarious! :grinthumb

A small boy walks into a ***** house with a shoe box. He tells the head mistress. "I need one of your girls with HIV" She looks at the box, snatches it and looks inside, there's a dead frog inside. "What's this" she says. The boy replies "I want to have sex with your girl that has HIV, then I'll get it, then I'll go have sex with the girl down the street, then she'll get HIV, then she'll have sex with my dad and he'll get HIV, then he'll have sex with my mom, she'll get HIV, and my mom will have sex with the mail man, and that's the motherf**ker that stepped on my frog"

A guy comes into the bar with a pet monkey and starts to have a few beers. The monkey runs around snatching fries and other tid-bits from people's plates but no one seems to mind since he is fun to watch. The monkey jumps from the guy's shoulder, swings from the light, and lands on the pool table. The Monkey then promptly grabs the 8-ball and swallows it! The guy apologizes and decides it's time to leave.

A week later the guy and monkey return to the bar. Guy has a few, then the monkey starts his rounds again. This time he grabs a peanut from the dish, shoves it in his *** then eats it! The bartender dumbfounded asks the guy " Dude! What is up with your monkey??" Guy responds " Well ever since he ate that 8-ball he is checking everything for size" !!

Supersmashbrada and chimworth good ones. :)

A couple in their nineties were asked how their marriage lasted for 75+ years.
The wife explained that on their wedding day after the marriage they left the church and headed home in their horse-drawn carriage.
Before they even left the church the horse stumbled. My husband got out of the carriage and severely hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles".
Half way home the horse stumbled and my husband got out again and hit the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles, that's twice".
As we pulled into our lane way the horse stumbled again. My husband grabbed a gun and went to the horse and said "no horse of mine stumbles. This is the third time." And he shot it.
I got out of the carriage and said "you shot a perfectly good horse!"
He said "no wife argues with me. That's once." :suspiciou

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand >
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you
okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk, and that
you'd be happy about it.