Camoflauge Clothing

There once was captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Subject: The Geordie Salesman

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

That is a great one tomrca!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

tomrca, they were both great. Thanks for the laugh.

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,
the wife died. The Undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000.00 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about
it and told the undertaker, he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked .. "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150.00

The man replied ... "Long ago a man died here.. was buried here .. and three days later
he rose from the dead ... I can't take that risk .. "Ship her home" ! ..

Subject: Grandma goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a small-town grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councilors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'


lol those lawyers got pwned!

Nice ones, Tom & Halo !

Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!




Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer: Princess

Diana's death.




Question: How come?




Answer:


An English princess with


an Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French


tunnel, driving a


German car


with a Dutch engine,


driven by a Belgian


who was drunk


on Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by


An Iranian,


using Bill Gates's technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


chips, and a


Korean monitor,


assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


transported by Indian


lorry-drivers,


hijacked by Indonesians,


unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,


and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....








That, my friends, is Globalization!


Have a great day

LMAO tomrca you're the best! And halo71, great ones too! :D

Really good, tomrca!

well to top it off. it was really sent by an iranian that i met in the Czech republic at a wedding and they at present holidaying in Scotland an will be soon here at my home in enland.
ALL TRUE!:haha:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife at the door, with a broom in her hand, and having the guts to ask her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the behind and having the balls to say, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Nice tomrca ;)

Isn't that the truth.

ROTFL tomrca good one! :grinthumb

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ***!"

gr8 1 hamas123

want some more?

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

Lol.

Good one

what's the most important program on a witches computer?
the spell checker.

that's cute.

thanks got any more jokes

whats close but never comes?
tomorow

A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?"

His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal's office!"

The little boy goes up to the Principal's office and the Principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?"

The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?"

The Principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!"

So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?"

"I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal's office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?"

His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home."

So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy's room and said, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?"

"Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?"

His dad says, "Get out of my house, son! I don't ever want to see you again!"

The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night.

The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?"

The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!"

99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started.

As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.

What's the moral of the story?






Look left and right before crossing the road.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.

"The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Stacey, I am not sure but I think the last joke you posted is already in this thread somewhere.

The last 2 jokes were posted before, but they are still good jokes....

Mere Coincidence?

Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep
and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident many say has long been
covered up by the United States Air Force and the
federal government.

However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W.
Bush, **** Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly,
Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were
all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

This information may clear up a lot of questions.

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Stacey, I am not sure but I think the last joke you posted is already in this thread somewhere.
Sorry, I didn't realize they were posted sorry.

Don`t be sorry Stacey. You can`t be expected to read every single post in this thread, before submitting a joke lol.

Regards Howard :)

Bit rude but oh well.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath.>>>>>> A young nun, Sister Magdelene, prepared the bath water and towels as>>> instructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdelene was also>>> instructed>>> not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it and to do>>> whatever he told her to do.>>>>>> The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdelene how the Saturday>>> night>>> bath had gone.>>>>>> "Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.">>> "Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.>>> "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,>>> and>>> while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he>>> said>>> the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.">>>>>> "Did he now?" said the old nun.>>>>>> Sister Magdelene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to>>> Heaven>>> fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be>>> assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his>>> Key>>> to Heaven into my Lock.">>>>>> "Is that a fact?" said the old nun.>>>>>> "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to>>> salvation>>> was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart>>> with>>> ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.">>>>>> "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's>>> Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.

;)

Q. How can you tell if someone is a spartan??


A. Their house is nearly empty.

Blond goes into the doctors office heres what happens:

blond: Doctor! I have broken every bone in my body!
Doctor: Oh really?Show me then.

Blond pokes her leg and screams in pain.
Blond pokes her elbow and screams.
Blond pokes her chin and whimpers.

Blond: *tears rolling down her cheeks* See d-d-doctor?

After 5 minutes of examining the blond he comes to the conclusion:
Doctor: You stupid blond, you broke your finger.


Just joking with u, blonds are HOT :D

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but he fell Down.

So he tried to stand up again, but he fell into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

What did the big traffic light say to the small traffic light?
Don't look i'm changing.

There were 3 poeple, one was called manners, one was called stupid, and the other one was called poo. Stupid was walking down the road and a policeman to him "whats your name", and stupid said "stupid", (because that was his name) and then the policeman said, "where's your manners" and stupid said "manners is at home with poo".

haha! nice thread!

Ganstas that make themselves heard!:

Windows MASSACRE Audio
Apple Lawless
Thugg Vorbis
Notorious F-L-A-C
The Abusepack
eMPressive Elite Gangstas, the
Monkey's Hideout
Nellymonsters
Snoopx

LOL! Good one!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

An old lady goes to her doctor and complains that she has not been well enough to go shopping,The doctor looks at her very concerned and say's" So youv'e been bed ridden?!" She replies" Oh Yes and twice on the couch."

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."

He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"

The man nodded.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls."

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

man that was a good one and to make it seem even better here is mine



some drunk man places two substances in a furnace that is 5000 degrees f. one substance is ununoctium the other is aluminum than he passes out. 3 weeks later when he finally gets his memory back he explodes the end happy now? oh wait i mean which will melt first?


give up ununoctium is a gas how can it melt?