Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing AdA :-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You've got it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, that was just the demo version.
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:37 AM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon"
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release statement; cars made by Microsoft would have the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, be twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size ****.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
http://www.plumbingworld.com/chuckles.html
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:42 AM
Fattest program The fattest program ever compiled is Microsoft Windows95. It has
a ratio of actual size to size required of 95:1. Windows95 is also the program with
the highest ratio of bugs to functions which is 95:1. (Guinness Book of Records)
http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:47 AM
Top 10 Things People Think the 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For
The year it was DUE to ship
The number of MHz required for the operating system to run
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
The number of minutes to install
The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system
The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual
The number of megabytes of hard-disc space required
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware
The number of floppies it will ship on
Star Trek & Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"
<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."
<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"
<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"
<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."
<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"
<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."
<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."
<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"
Origin: comp.os.os2.advocacy, Sender: LapkaC@columbia.DSU.Edu / STARTREK Role Playing game list / Editor: alex@complang.tuwien.ac.at
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:49 AM
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found by
M. Anton Ertl Some things have to be seen to be believed
anton@complang.tuwien.ac.at Most things have to be believed to be seen
Ad
03-31-2002, 03:49 AM
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:50 AM
Bill Gates/Microsoft Jokes
All Topics Bill's New House Bill talks with God Computer Terms Novelties
The Night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOODNIGHT.
Bill's New House
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house, the following is a conversation heard last week.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "(sigh) Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays...
Bill Talks with God
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner God told them "I need three important figures to send my message out to all people. Tomorrow I will
destroy the earth".
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them "I have two really bad news items for you:
1.God really exists and
2.Tomorrow God will destroy the earth".
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them "I have Good news and Bad News:
1. God really does exist;
2. The bad news is tomorrow God's destroying the earth".
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced "I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I'm one of the three most important people on earth and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved".
Computer Terms Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk.
Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
Novelties Pie Gates-Download and have fun throwing pies at Bill Gates
Return to Top
Return to Joke Directory
http://www.abaloneweb.com/jokes/abwgatesjokes.htm
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:53 AM
I heard once that Bill Gates personally writes the text for the error messages..... Not sure if it is true though....
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 03:55 AM
Novell spoofs XP flying people - video
By Thomas C Greene in Washington
Posted: 25/03/2002 at 16:11 GMT
We're grateful to Reg reader Mike Brady for the following link to a Novell spoof video poking fun at the XP flying people ad campaign. It's short, so we won't spoil it for you.
Microsoft - Microsoft had a Sandals sweepstakes online (via Microsoft-partner Online Vacation Mall) that specifically excluded gay couples. Within 24 hours of being contacted, Microsoft canceled the sweepstakes, took a prominent Sandals link off of their Web site (it was at http://expedia.msn.com/etn/packages/), promised that the Microsoft logo would never appear on the same page as a Sandals logo or promotion, said that they were immediately dropping Sandals as a member of Expedia (their travel site), and said they would review their entire relationship with Sandals. If they keep their promises, and they have to date, then kudos to Microsoft!
http://www.wiredstrategies.com/resort.html
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 04:08 AM
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It;s an impressive operation. I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp. What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one battery-operated present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys, Santa? I have one word for you: windows. Everybody has windows. That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you-- I make my own toys.
Baby won't you tell me why win95 boot ten times
I don't wanna say "re-install" to you
MS is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is something left in my drive
I'm the one who set it up now I'm the one to make it stucks
C.P.U's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to delete every files in hard disk
but there is nothing left in my drive
Chorus:
I won't forget the way you're rebooting
The booting's so slow were lasting for so long
But I'm the man waiting for re-booting
That's why you go away I don't know
You were never satisfied no matter how I buy
Now you wanna say TEN "G" to me
MS is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is ONE "M" left in my disk
Chorus:
Booting here all alone in the middle of no-where
Don't know which files to load
There ain't so much to install to patch us
There ain't so much for "Words"
There ain't so much for "Office" anymore
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 04:23 AM
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows XP for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows XP for my PC!
Microsoft Acquires Monopoly®REDMOND, WA (Nov 11, 1999) -- Microsoft announced yesterday that it has acquired Parker Brothers, Inc. for an undisclosed sum. Parker Brothers holds rights to the Monopoly® board game and associated merchandise.
A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Microsoft plans to produce a computer-based version of Monopoly® called MS-Monopoly™. It will be bundled with the next version of Windows 98, to be released in 2001. With Microsoft's OS monopoly, MS-Monopoly will have a monopoly on computer-based board game entertainment. We plan to have MS-Monopoly replace Solitaire(R) as the default time-wasting program for millions of users."
Milton-Bradley, a rival board game manufacturer, is not happy about yesterday's annoucement. Their press agent said, "Our rival Parker Brothers has teamed up with the world's largest software producer. With MS-Monopoly™ bundled with Windows 98 (or Win2001), no one will want to play traditional non-electronic board games anymore. We could produce computerized versions of our popular board games, but who would buy our products when there's a dancing MS-Monopoly icon on the Windows desktop and no more free space left on the hard drive?"
MS-Monopoly™ will contain several new innovative features, according to a Microsoft press release. Instead of Atlantic City real estate, the game will focus on computer companies.
For example, Netscape will replace Mediterranean Ave., and Sun Microsystems will take over for North Carolina Ave. The railroads will become Internet Service Providers. Instead of Jail, players must contend with "DOJ unjust vigilante investigations." The goal of the game will be to acquire everything on the board, including the DOJ. A Microsoft programmer commented, "This isn't very realistic, we realize." In MS-Monopoly™ the rival companies have much more power than in the Real World. Realistically, all the rivals should be confined to the purple squares while Microsoft occupies the rest of the board. We had to change things a little to make the game more playable. On a technical note, MS-Monopoly™ is designed to consume all available Win98 system resources, preventing other programs from being open. We felt it fitting that MS-Monopoly™ monopolizes the computer. This is similar to the way Solitaire works, so users upgrading from Win95 should be right at home."
It is unclear whether this acquisition will affect the annual Monopoly® promotion at McDonalds. Some analysts point out that this is a moot point; Microsoft will probably acquire McDonalds in the near future anyways.
Microsoft's stock, MSFT, climbed 3 1/2 points after the annoucement. For more information, visit Microsoft's new website, www.ms-monopoly.com.
Blue Screen of Death
"In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSoD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
"The move comes as a result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked: "What do you spend the most time doing at your computer?"
A surprising number of respondents said: "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54%, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer - "Downloading pornography" - by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." Explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSoD, which appeared side-by-side with the older, boring and static version.
Users can select from a collection of "BSoD Themes", allowing them instead to have a Mauve Screen of Death, or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSoD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSoD is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control of its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as "the ultimate information portal". By default, the new BSoD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSoD on systems they ship.
'Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, SEC & Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSoD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig into Apple Mac and the Open Source community: "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than Open Source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even
has a BSoD, let alone a customisable one."'
Welcome to Windows 98 Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an e-mail to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Bill Gates.
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 05:04 AM
http://qqq.fantomas.sk/mssux/Logow-sk-new.gif
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 05:06 AM
http://www.microsoft.sux.com/orabanms2.jpg
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 05:07 AM
http://www.zip.com.au/~meber/images/usemac.jpg
Phantasm66
03-31-2002, 05:08 AM
Time to start the anti-Microsoft legal fund. It must be possible to sue
them for some of the blatant lies they are FUDing.
----------
From: Robert Elliott [SMTP:rde@irelands-web.ie]
Sent: 29 March 1999 12:58
To: ilug@linux.ie
Subject: [ILUG] Linux sux: Microsoft
In a move that frankly shocked me, Microsoft's propaganda wing, Slate,
published two users' points of view on installing linux. Their opinion?
It's not as good as windows. For anything. It's good as a web server,
but you're never going to get it up and running unless you're a complete
nerd.
....
DOS - bought from a small software company for $50,000 and orginially called QDOS
Windows - stolen from Apple, who stole it from Xerox
Windows95 - stolen from later versions of Mac OS (you think that taskbar came from nowhere?)
WindowsNT - Windows grafted onto Digital Equipment Corp.'s VMS (an early challanger to UNIX that ran on refrigerators**); Microsoft hired away almost the entire VMS team from DEC.
Word - stolen from Wordperfect and AmiPro
Excel - M$ bought up a small company that produced a spreadsheet which eventually became Excel
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