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Microsoft Jokes

By Phantasm66
Mar 31, 2002
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  1. Phantasm66

    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

    Bill Gates IS a criminal
    (Left) This is the proof! It confirms what most of us think.

    A rare mugshot of a young Bill Gates, arrested for driving unlicenced.

    Looks like he thinks that it is a big joke.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

    Microsoft Acquires Monopoly®REDMOND, WA (Nov 11, 1999) -- Microsoft announced yesterday that it has acquired Parker Brothers, Inc. for an undisclosed sum. Parker Brothers holds rights to the Monopoly® board game and associated merchandise.

    A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Microsoft plans to produce a computer-based version of Monopoly® called MS-Monopoly™. It will be bundled with the next version of Windows 98, to be released in 2001. With Microsoft's OS monopoly, MS-Monopoly will have a monopoly on computer-based board game entertainment. We plan to have MS-Monopoly replace Solitaire(R) as the default time-wasting program for millions of users."

    Milton-Bradley, a rival board game manufacturer, is not happy about yesterday's annoucement. Their press agent said, "Our rival Parker Brothers has teamed up with the world's largest software producer. With MS-Monopoly™ bundled with Windows 98 (or Win2001), no one will want to play traditional non-electronic board games anymore. We could produce computerized versions of our popular board games, but who would buy our products when there's a dancing MS-Monopoly icon on the Windows desktop and no more free space left on the hard drive?"

    MS-Monopoly™ will contain several new innovative features, according to a Microsoft press release. Instead of Atlantic City real estate, the game will focus on computer companies.
    For example, Netscape will replace Mediterranean Ave., and Sun Microsystems will take over for North Carolina Ave. The railroads will become Internet Service Providers. Instead of Jail, players must contend with "DOJ unjust vigilante investigations." The goal of the game will be to acquire everything on the board, including the DOJ. A Microsoft programmer commented, "This isn't very realistic, we realize." In MS-Monopoly™ the rival companies have much more power than in the Real World. Realistically, all the rivals should be confined to the purple squares while Microsoft occupies the rest of the board. We had to change things a little to make the game more playable. On a technical note, MS-Monopoly™ is designed to consume all available Win98 system resources, preventing other programs from being open. We felt it fitting that MS-Monopoly™ monopolizes the computer. This is similar to the way Solitaire works, so users upgrading from Win95 should be right at home."

    It is unclear whether this acquisition will affect the annual Monopoly® promotion at McDonalds. Some analysts point out that this is a moot point; Microsoft will probably acquire McDonalds in the near future anyways.

    Microsoft's stock, MSFT, climbed 3 1/2 points after the annoucement. For more information, visit Microsoft's new website, www.ms-monopoly.com.
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    Blue Screen of Death
    "In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSoD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

    "The move comes as a result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked: "What do you spend the most time doing at your computer?"

    A surprising number of respondents said: "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54%, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer - "Downloading pornography" - by an easy 12 points.

    "We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." Explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSoD, which appeared side-by-side with the older, boring and static version.
    Users can select from a collection of "BSoD Themes", allowing them instead to have a Mauve Screen of Death, or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSoD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

    The BSoD is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control of its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as "the ultimate information portal". By default, the new BSoD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSoD on systems they ship.

    'Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, SEC & Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSoD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig into Apple Mac and the Open Source community: "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than Open Source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even
    has a BSoD, let alone a customisable one."'
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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

     
  12. Phantasm66

    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

    Welcome to Windows 98 Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

    Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

    Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

    Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
    Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

    Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

    We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

    If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an e-mail to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

    Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).

    Bill Gates.
  13. Phantasm66

    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

    Time to start the anti-Microsoft legal fund. It must be possible to sue
    them for some of the blatant lies they are FUDing.

    ----------
    From: Robert Elliott [SMTP:rde@irelands-web.ie]
    Sent: 29 March 1999 12:58
    To: ilug@linux.ie
    Subject: [ILUG] Linux sux: Microsoft

    In a move that frankly shocked me, Microsoft's propaganda wing, Slate,
    published two users' points of view on installing linux. Their opinion?
    It's not as good as windows. For anything. It's good as a web server,
    but you're never going to get it up and running unless you're a complete
    nerd.
    ....

    http://www.linux.ie/pipermail/ilug/1999-March/000054.html
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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

    http://www.bxscience.edu/~waletzky/billgates/
  21. Phantasm66

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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    Phantasm66 Newcomer, in training Topic Starter Posts: 6,504

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