A Mesage from John Cleese to citizens of U.S of America

By kirock ยท 15 replies
Oct 28, 2005
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  1. Got this in an email: :haha:

    A Message from John Cleese [of Monty Python fame] to the citizens of the United States of America.

    "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
    and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation
  2. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 24,177   +19

    That is just so funny.

    Had me laughing for ages.

    Where did you get the e-mail from? I hope it wasn`t virused.

    Regards Howard :haha:
  3. kirock

    kirock TS Rookie Topic Starter Posts: 1,221

    From my wife, she got it from a co-worker,..etc. ... I guess. Thought it was good for a laugh. Good ol John! :haha:
  4. Masque

    Masque TechSpot Chancellor Posts: 1,058

    Absolutely hilarious.....thank you. :haha:
  5. jshields13

    jshields13 TS Rookie Posts: 109

    Great! Good old John.
  6. Nodsu

    Nodsu TS Rookie Posts: 5,837   +6

  7. howard_hopkinso

    howard_hopkinso TS Rookie Posts: 24,177   +19

    Yes, that`d be quite nice really.

    Thanks for the link Nodsu.

    Regards Howard ;)
  8. Spike

    Spike TS Evangelist Posts: 2,168


    I did check the story there myself, but I didn't want to spoil the fun. Still quite funny though, as are some of the american rebuttals. lol
  9. kirock

    kirock TS Rookie Topic Starter Posts: 1,221

    Ok, that's was a good read. Thanks Nodsu. I've passed that along to my wife so she can pass that along, etc.

  10. SOcRatEs

    SOcRatEs TechSpot Paladin Posts: 966


    So, being I live in Arizona, the youngest state with territory law.
    Which border should I start running to, white flag in hand?
    Mexico? I think not. :suspiciou
    New Mexico? I think not also. :blackeye:
    Califonia? Absolutley not even for sure for sure! :giddy:
    Utah? Well maybe, California city, many wives. Possiblity :grinthumb
    Colorado? Pretty state! but I don't want to get shot in school.. :unch:

    Well maybe I won't get into too big a hurry to surender.
    I got to see revolutionary war reinactments, Englands still looses
    every time! I think I'll just keep it.

  11. PanicX

    PanicX TechSpot Ambassador Posts: 669

    wha? come now, we've got the Terminator as our governor. The only other state even close to that cool is Minnesota.

    Not to mention, where else can you spend the morning sun bathing at the beach and the afternoon snowboarding?

    Then there's all the theme parks too...
  12. Spike

    Spike TS Evangelist Posts: 2,168

    We's pwned u cuz u cheeted :p

    j/k - I needed an excuse to type like a ***** for a moment, and thus get it out of my system. I'd never done it before, and never again. Give me proper english anyday. :D
  13. SNGX1275

    SNGX1275 TS Forces Special Posts: 10,742   +421

    That was a pretty funny piece regardless of who originally wrote it. I read one of the rebuttals on the snopes page and it was funny too, but not as funny as the English one.
  14. MrGaribaldi

    MrGaribaldi TechSpot Ambassador Posts: 2,512

    Hilarious piece.

    And I agree with sngx1275 that the responses weren't that funny. Though the last response was funnier than the others imo...
  15. Spike

    Spike TS Evangelist Posts: 2,168

    oh, I don't know - that "not telling us who killed JFK untill we apologise for the teletubbies" was pretty amusing :p
  16. kirock

    kirock TS Rookie Topic Starter Posts: 1,221

    I thought the Bristish blog was brilliant, whether it was written by one person or many. But some of the American responses were pretty brilliant too. I especially liked the self flame referring to their irresponsible freedom of guns in society:
    "Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting). "

    ps, interrestingly I just realized SOcRatEs subtlely refered to this in his comment, "Colorado? Pretty state! but I don't want to get shot in school."

    I'm Canadian so I'm just sitting on the fence (as we always do) All in fun :grinthumb

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