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The jokes thread

By Rage_3K_Moiz ยท 279 replies
Jan 4, 2006
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  1. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 7,241   +370

    Enjoy a good laugh

    You may remember the old Jewish comics of Vaudeville days: (I'd forgotten how many of them were Jewish!!)

    Milton Berle, Danny Kaye, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Benny and so many others.

    And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

    I just got back from a pleasure trip.
    I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
    If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

    Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
    The thief spends less than my wife did.

    We always hold hands.
    If I let go, she shops.

    My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
    My wife called it the Dead Sea ....

    She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
    That was only for the estimate.
    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.

    The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
    The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

    The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."
    Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

    Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
    Patient: "I am 60!"
    Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

    Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
    Doctor: "Don't answer!"

    A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
    The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

    Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
    They're worth it.

    The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

    There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

    Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
    A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering ......

    Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

    A man called his mother in Florida, "Mum, how are you?"
    Not too good," said the mother."I've been very weak."
    The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
    She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
    The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
    The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

    A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
    She asks, "What part is it?"
    The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
    "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

    Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
    A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
  2. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 7,241   +370

    Old Is When - - -

    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    'Getting a little action means you don't need to take any fiber today.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.


    'OLD' IS WHEN....
    You are not sure these are jokes. :haha:
  3. learninmypc

    learninmypc TS Evangelist Posts: 7,241   +370

    Duck Hunters in Wisconsin

    A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of
    He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
    It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
    These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
    new NAVIGATOR.
    They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the
    ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
    Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average
    drill auger can produce. So........................ out of the back of
    new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
    Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice
    trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with
    the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

    - they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,

    - they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible

    Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
    GUNS, and the DOG...?

    Let's talk about the dog:

    A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING ; especially things
    by the owner.

    You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a
    high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning
    40-second fuse........... just as it hits the ice.

    The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
    necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog
    to stop.

    The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

    One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
    loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

    The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
    shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
    course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

    The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
    The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
    truck touches the dog's rear end...................he yelps, drops the
    dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
    The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
    the two ****** standing there with 'I can't believe this just
    looks on their faces.
    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
    of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
    the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

    The dog is okay....doing fine.

    And to think you thought

    all Rednecks lived in the South .......

  4. LNCPapa

    LNCPapa TS Special Forces Posts: 4,243   +446

    Haha - my boss just sent me this
  5. slh28

    slh28 TechSpot Paladin Posts: 1,706   +172

    We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender.
    A neutrino walks into a bar.

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