The jokes thread

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."
 
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.

"The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
 
Stacey, I am not sure but I think the last joke you posted is already in this thread somewhere.
 
Strange coincidences on the Texas Plains

Mere Coincidence?

Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep
and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident many say has long been
covered up by the United States Air Force and the
federal government.

However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W.
Bush, **** Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly,
Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were
all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

This information may clear up a lot of questions.
 
Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."
 
Don`t be sorry Stacey. You can`t be expected to read every single post in this thread, before submitting a joke lol.

Regards Howard :)
 
Bit rude but oh well.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath.>>>>>> A young nun, Sister Magdelene, prepared the bath water and towels as>>> instructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdelene was also>>> instructed>>> not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it and to do>>> whatever he told her to do.>>>>>> The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdelene how the Saturday>>> night>>> bath had gone.>>>>>> "Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.">>> "Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.>>> "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,>>> and>>> while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he>>> said>>> the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.">>>>>> "Did he now?" said the old nun.>>>>>> Sister Magdelene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to>>> Heaven>>> fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be>>> assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his>>> Key>>> to Heaven into my Lock.">>>>>> "Is that a fact?" said the old nun.>>>>>> "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to>>> salvation>>> was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart>>> with>>> ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.">>>>>> "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's>>> Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.

;)
 
Blond goes into the doctors office heres what happens:

blond: Doctor! I have broken every bone in my body!
Doctor: Oh really?Show me then.

Blond pokes her leg and screams in pain.
Blond pokes her elbow and screams.
Blond pokes her chin and whimpers.

Blond: *tears rolling down her cheeks* See d-d-doctor?

After 5 minutes of examining the blond he comes to the conclusion:
Doctor: You stupid blond, you broke your finger.


Just joking with u, blonds are HOT :D
 
Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but he fell Down.

So he tried to stand up again, but he fell into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
 
What did the big traffic light say to the small traffic light?
Don't look i'm changing.

There were 3 poeple, one was called manners, one was called stupid, and the other one was called poo. Stupid was walking down the road and a policeman to him "whats your name", and stupid said "stupid", (because that was his name) and then the policeman said, "where's your manners" and stupid said "manners is at home with poo".
 
Ganstas that make themselves heard!:
  • Windows MASSACRE Audio
  • Apple Lawless
  • Thugg Vorbis
  • Notorious F-L-A-C
  • The Abusepack
  • eMPressive Elite Gangstas, the
  • Monkey's Hideout
  • Nellymonsters
  • Snoopx
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."
 
An old lady goes to her doctor and complains that she has not been well enough to go shopping,The doctor looks at her very concerned and say's" So youv'e been bed ridden?!" She replies" Oh Yes and twice on the couch."
 
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."

He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"

The man nodded.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls."

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
 
this is an awfull joke.

man that was a good one and to make it seem even better here is mine



some drunk man places two substances in a furnace that is 5000 degrees f. one substance is ununoctium the other is aluminum than he passes out. 3 weeks later when he finally gets his memory back he explodes the end happy now? oh wait i mean which will melt first?


give up ununoctium is a gas how can it melt?
 
Overheard:

Aren't we lucky the keyboard isn't arreanged alphabetically? How the hell would we be able to reach wasd to play first person shooters?
 
piratekey.jpg


Aren't we lucky we're not gaming pirates! All we could do is reload...

"RRRRRRR!!!!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

midian182
Woman divorces husband after ChatGPT reads his coffee grounds and predicts affair
Replies
24
Views
201
themastergoose
themastergoose
zohaibahd
People named "Null" are being punished by computers in the weirdest ways
Replies
19
Views
329
mbk34
M
A
Steam's DRM was inspired by an exec's nephew and his trusty CD burner
Replies
14
Views
261
LimyG
LimyG

Latest posts

Back