Microsoft Jokes
- Thread starter Phantasm66
- Start date
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Other Anagrams Internet Explorer =
Next? Enter or peril.
Error: Next line, pet.
Microsoft Internet Explorer = Not complex? It isn't error-free.
Microsoft Office = Is of comic effort.
Microsoft Windows =
If it now crow: "MSDOS".
Conformist widows.
We must not forget that Intel Pentium is a
LIMP TEEN UNIT
and that the chance of one actually performing is like a
NINE MILE PUTT
so what's the best solution?
I LET MINE PUNT!
Pentium Processor =
Super-moronic pest! (from Richard Grantham)
Microsoft Encarta =
Moronic artefacts. (from Richard Grantham)
Next? Enter or peril.
Error: Next line, pet.
Microsoft Internet Explorer = Not complex? It isn't error-free.
Microsoft Office = Is of comic effort.
Microsoft Windows =
If it now crow: "MSDOS".
Conformist widows.
We must not forget that Intel Pentium is a
LIMP TEEN UNIT
and that the chance of one actually performing is like a
NINE MILE PUTT
so what's the best solution?
I LET MINE PUNT!
Pentium Processor =
Super-moronic pest! (from Richard Grantham)
Microsoft Encarta =
Moronic artefacts. (from Richard Grantham)
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Windows ... The Next GenerationPicard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?"
Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."
Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."
Data: "Yes, sir."
(5 minutes later)
Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."
Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."
Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"
Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."
Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"
Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."
Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"
Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"
Picard: "Well, of course it is! Wouldn't restoring your old system be the logical thing to do??!!"
Data: "Logic, sir? I apologize... all logic was thrown out when Windows 95 went in..."
Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."
Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."
Data: "Yes, sir."
(5 minutes later)
Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."
Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."
Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"
Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."
Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"
Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."
Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"
Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"
Picard: "Well, of course it is! Wouldn't restoring your old system be the logical thing to do??!!"
Data: "Logic, sir? I apologize... all logic was thrown out when Windows 95 went in..."
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Bill Gates Wealth IndexMost people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars. He certainly knows how to make money.
Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.*
Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.
We're assuming about 4 seconds to bend down and pocket the bill. Of course he can afford to hire people to follow him and pick up any $500 bills he may drop. Not that he would, fortunately he doesn't quite think of his wealth or time this way.
When I first calculated this, it was only a $20 bill, and then for some time it was a $100 bill. I remember speaking to him at a conference some years ago thinking, "$31 per second, $31 per second" as we talked. I didn't mention this.
It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S. treasury -- they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills -- and he would need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.
The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only had to leave behind $5 bills.
In the HTML version you will find a chart of the amount of currency it's not been worth Mr. Gates' time to pick up off the ground over the years, based on his current 281 million shares of Microsoft (he hasn't sold many) and the split-adjusted stock price courtesy of Microsoft's own web site. The spreadsheet (Excel of course) is there too.
Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.*
Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.
We're assuming about 4 seconds to bend down and pocket the bill. Of course he can afford to hire people to follow him and pick up any $500 bills he may drop. Not that he would, fortunately he doesn't quite think of his wealth or time this way.
When I first calculated this, it was only a $20 bill, and then for some time it was a $100 bill. I remember speaking to him at a conference some years ago thinking, "$31 per second, $31 per second" as we talked. I didn't mention this.
It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S. treasury -- they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills -- and he would need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.
The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only had to leave behind $5 bills.
In the HTML version you will find a chart of the amount of currency it's not been worth Mr. Gates' time to pick up off the ground over the years, based on his current 281 million shares of Microsoft (he hasn't sold many) and the split-adjusted stock price courtesy of Microsoft's own web site. The spreadsheet (Excel of course) is there too.
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
Phantasm66
Posts: 4,909 +8
Would YOU want to get on a plane who's air traffic control was run on an MS server...????
Not me..... Its funny enough when the domain controllers crash here at work in the university and 1000 students can't log on.
However planes have not been known to bounce off of mountains, etc....
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - Bill Gates
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating
system, and possible program, of all time." - Bill Gates, 1987
"OS/2 is destined to be a very important piece of software. During the
next 10 years, millions of programmers and users will utilize this
system." Bill Gates, 1988
"In fact, I don't think 7-11s even take coupons. I should check that
out..." - Bill Gates, 1992
"While we liked developing Windows applications, we never inhaled."
- Philippe Kahn, 1992
"New GUIs from IBM and NeXT make Windows look old hat."
- Datamation, 1992
" Why are manhole covers round?
How many gas stations are there in the U.S.?"
- Interview questions asked by Microsoft, 1992
(Dos + Windows + ATM) < OS/2 2.0!
2.0 is better than 1.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!
Don't be held back by yesterday's DOS! Try today's OS/2!
Dos: Venerable. Windows: Vulnerable. OS/2: Viable.
Scanning for Viruses...Windows Found! Please Remove.
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
Have you crashed your Windows today?
He who laughs last uses OS/2.
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
How do you spell relief? OS/2!
I don't do Windows, but OS/2 does.
I love running Windows! NOT!
I smashed a Window and saw... *OS/2*
I use OS/2 2.0 and I don't care who knows!
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If Windows sucked it would be good for something.
If you want it done right, forget Microsoft.
It takes 2.0, baby, it takes 2.0...
MASOCHIST: Windows SDK programmer with a smile!
My best view from a Window was through OS/2.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
OS/2: Your brain. Windows: Your brain on drugs.
See the Future; See OS/2. Be the Future; Run OS/2.
The best way to accelerate Windows is at escape velocity.
To whom the gods destroy, they first teach Windows...
Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
Wait for OS/2 2.0 - the best Windows tip around!
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
What I like about MS is its loyalty to customers!
What's so great that people are switching to Windows?
What?!? DOSSHELL *isn't* supposed to be a joke?
When DOS grows up it wants to be OS/2!
Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger.
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every
file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.
WindowError:006 Malicous error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More ram needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not loo in.
WindowError:00F Unexplaind error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Oprating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.
Windows 3.1 - The Best $89 Solitaire Game You can Buy!
Windows = Training wheels for OS/2!
Windows = Turn a 386/25 into a 4.77 Mhz XT
Windows is a pane
Windows is great if you can make it work.
Windows is to OS/2 what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Windows isn't crippleware: it's "Functionally Challenged"
Windows NT: From the makers of Windows 3.0!
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...
Windows NT? Want to run it? Check IEEE Spectrum "TERAFLOPS GALORE."
Windows: A View to be Killed.
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windows: The CP/M of the future!
Windows: The Gates of hell.
Windows? Homey don't play that!
Windows? WINDOWS?!? Hahahahahehehehehohohoho...
Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions
You're throwing it all out the Windows!
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - Bill Gates
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating
system, and possible program, of all time." - Bill Gates, 1987
"OS/2 is destined to be a very important piece of software. During the
next 10 years, millions of programmers and users will utilize this
system." Bill Gates, 1988
"In fact, I don't think 7-11s even take coupons. I should check that
out..." - Bill Gates, 1992
"While we liked developing Windows applications, we never inhaled."
- Philippe Kahn, 1992
"New GUIs from IBM and NeXT make Windows look old hat."
- Datamation, 1992
" Why are manhole covers round?
How many gas stations are there in the U.S.?"
- Interview questions asked by Microsoft, 1992
(Dos + Windows + ATM) < OS/2 2.0!
2.0 is better than 1.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!
Don't be held back by yesterday's DOS! Try today's OS/2!
Dos: Venerable. Windows: Vulnerable. OS/2: Viable.
Scanning for Viruses...Windows Found! Please Remove.
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
Have you crashed your Windows today?
He who laughs last uses OS/2.
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
How do you spell relief? OS/2!
I don't do Windows, but OS/2 does.
I love running Windows! NOT!
I smashed a Window and saw... *OS/2*
I use OS/2 2.0 and I don't care who knows!
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If Windows sucked it would be good for something.
If you want it done right, forget Microsoft.
It takes 2.0, baby, it takes 2.0...
MASOCHIST: Windows SDK programmer with a smile!
My best view from a Window was through OS/2.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
OS/2: Your brain. Windows: Your brain on drugs.
See the Future; See OS/2. Be the Future; Run OS/2.
The best way to accelerate Windows is at escape velocity.
To whom the gods destroy, they first teach Windows...
Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
Wait for OS/2 2.0 - the best Windows tip around!
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
What I like about MS is its loyalty to customers!
What's so great that people are switching to Windows?
What?!? DOSSHELL *isn't* supposed to be a joke?
When DOS grows up it wants to be OS/2!
Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger.
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every
file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.
WindowError:006 Malicous error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More ram needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not loo in.
WindowError:00F Unexplaind error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Oprating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.
Windows 3.1 - The Best $89 Solitaire Game You can Buy!
Windows = Training wheels for OS/2!
Windows = Turn a 386/25 into a 4.77 Mhz XT
Windows is a pane
Windows is great if you can make it work.
Windows is to OS/2 what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Windows isn't crippleware: it's "Functionally Challenged"
Windows NT: From the makers of Windows 3.0!
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...
Windows NT? Want to run it? Check IEEE Spectrum "TERAFLOPS GALORE."
Windows: A View to be Killed.
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windows: The CP/M of the future!
Windows: The Gates of hell.
Windows? Homey don't play that!
Windows? WINDOWS?!? Hahahahahehehehehohohoho...
Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions
You're throwing it all out the Windows!
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
Well, I'm not sure if this is a joke, but still:
In NT5 command prompt (ie. Win2k/XP) try the following:
dir com1
or com2-9.
:giddy:
In NT5 command prompt (ie. Win2k/XP) try the following:
dir com1
or com2-9.
:giddy:
StormBringer
Posts: 2,218 +0
I don't remember his actual words but they were something similar like: No applications will ever require users to need more than 640K of memory. So in essence, yes he did say that. I have several textbooks and manuals that reference that.
You can find your answer here:
http://www.nybooks.com/articles/15180#fn*
In short, it was the 20 bit addressing that allowed the maximum limit to be 1 megabyte, and IBM had specified to use 640k and up for other stuff.
Note that the article indicated that Gates wrote the email denying EVER saying that quote.
The reason why this is a big 'myth' in the first place, is precisely the misconception that everyone took to be true. So yeah, you can find that in a lot of technical books as a joke on Gates, some even use it to show the advancement in technology and our needs. But in reality, who first quoted him on that? Where and when was he quoted in saying that? And who has any proof? And most importantly, in what context?
PHATMAN5050
Posts: 581 +0
lmao sleeper, thats great!
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
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