The jokes thread

My favs, the atom jokes:

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.
The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!"

What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium


Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state
--------------------

Ok fine, a couple are lame :)

Yo momma so fat her belt size is equator!

Yo momma so fat her shadow weighs a hundred pounds!

Yo momma so fat when she goes to a movie she sits next to everyone!

Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up!

Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
-------

ok enough of that
 
YAY! I was beginning to think that me, Toffe, and Moiz were the only ones with a sense of humidity!
 
A woman once said a man is like a deck of cards. You need...

A heart to love him.

A diamond to marry him.

A club to beat him, and ....

A spade to bury the SOB.

Regards Howard :)
 
hewybo said:
YAY! I was beginning to think that me, Toffe, and Moiz were the only ones with a sense of humidity!
Click to expand...

Not so.

Unfortunately, most of the jokes I know couldn`t be put in this thread, because they wouldn`t be suitable for everyone. :p

Regards Howard :)
 
(not sure if this is alright, but here goes)
Jesus walks into a bar, slaps four nails on the counter and says 'can you put me up for the night'

Impotence: Gods way of saying 'no hard feelings'

-taking the mick out of the mastercard advert-
Contraceptives=£2.99
Alcohol=£5.99
Poking holes in your mates diagphram for a laugh=Priceless
Click to expand...
 
How, indeed?

Finger's



Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in the clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do. Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers." "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring dose fingers wit youse?" To which Ole says........


"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
:grinthumb
 
Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."

(this joke was originally about irish knackers(like gipsies) but i thought i would change it for my american buddy hewybo..hope the translation was ok)
 
yup

toffeapple said:
Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."

(this joke was originally about irish knackers(like gipsies) but i thought i would change it for my american buddy hewybo..hope the translation was ok)
Click to expand...

Ya transmogrified it jes' rite, pard! Us hillbillies have our pride!!
(by the way, I live in a "trailer") :p
 
Another president joke :p

Warning: The surgin general has announced that smoking cigars may cause cervical cancer. ;)
 
dang men bashers!

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you . . "


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea . . . you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and fart.
:confused:
 
I'm gunna tell this one from memory, and try to keep it cleaner. And shorten it up.

A middle aged man is having trouble getting a stify. He's tried every doctor and pill and remedy. So he finally turns to a witch doctor. The witch doctor agrees to take the case.
He performs a cerimony on the man and tells him, "it is done. All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and you will be the stiffest you've ever been, for as long as you want. But this only works ONCE per year."
So the man, a bit sceptical, says "ok", and asks how to turn it off. The doctor says, have your wife say "1 2 3 4".

So the next night he goes home, takes a shower, shaves, puts on his best after shave. And that night while laying next to his wife he says out loud to himself, "1 2 3". He was surprised to feel quite an effect immediately! He was so exicted, he turns to his wife and she looks over at him and says "what did you say one two three for?".

OWNED!
 
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

Regards Howard :)
 
Long one so get ready.....

Guy w/ leprosy walks into a bar near the desert and walk up to the bar.

"Bar keep can I have a beer, its awful hot outside and I am really thirsty, but I will only have one so I do not scare off many of your customers."

"Not to worry mate, have a beer you look like you could use it."

While he drinks the beer half the customers get up and leave.

"Man that beer really hit the spot, I could really use another, but I better be on my way I seem to be scaring your customers away."

"No worries mate it's not your fault here have another beer."

As he drinks the 2nd beer all the customers but the guy next to him get up and walk out.

"Wow the beer here is something else, its to bad I have to leave as I have scared off all your customers."

"No, mate I am telling ya they are not leaving on your account.

"OK then give me another beer, its your bar."

With that the last man gets up and leaves.

"Now look at that you can not tell me every last person in here did not leave because I was here drinking beer and there where scared of me."

"Sure can mate."

"What the...., tell me then why did they leave?

"You saw that last bloke to leave? Well he was dipping his potato chips into your neck the whole time."
 
Yup!

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............






:haha:
 
Not heard this before

Two tampons are walking down the road. Which one speaks first?

-

-

Neither, they're both stuck up c**ts


Lucky I filtered it lmao
 
ayuh!

Recently, while accessing info available through the Freedom Of
Information Act, I discovered that the National Transportation Safety Board has been
"covertly" funding a project whereby the automakers have been installing
black box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an
attempt to determine why there are so many rollovers.

These recorders are designed to record the last 15 seconds of
conversation before the rollover occurs. After tabulating the first five years of
data a pattern has developed as follows:

1. In 48 of the 50 states the last words recorded in 61.2 percent
of the rollovers were, "Oh Sh*t!".

2. Only Upper Wisconsin and Upper Michigan were different, where in
89.3 percent of the rollovers the last words spoken were, "Hold my
beer, I'm gonna try somethin".
:cool: :chef:
 
LOL here's a nice one.
George Bush dies and goes to Hell. He's met by the Devil and is told that because of all the bad deeds he has done, he is going to get one of three special punishments. Bush agrees and the Devil takes him into one of three different rooms. This one has Donald Rumsfeld, who has also died, swimming in a huge pool of boiling water and screaming and cursing loudly. Bush refuses to go in his place and is taken to the next room. This one has Nixon who is hanging from chains that are red hot. His skin is blistered and he is screaming in agony. Bush is horrified and refuses this one too. The next room has Bill Clinton sitting on a sofa with Monica Lewinsky giving him a blowjob. Bush immediately agrees to take this punishment and the Devil then says
"Okay Monica, move over it's his turn now."
;)
 
hillbillies at the side of the road

A hillbilly is riding an express bus when all of a sudden he feels the urge to take a dump. There are no rest rooms on the bus so he asks the bus driver to stop the bus. "Bus driver," he exclaims, "I gotta go real bad. Please stop the bus." "I can't said the bus driver. This is a non-stop express bus, but since there is hardly anyone on the bus, just go to the back, roll a window up and lean your rear out. I won't tell if you won't!"

Out of desparation, the hillbilly is forced to do just that. He goes to the back of the bus, rolls a window up, drops trowel and leans his rear out the window and takes a dump.

Meanwhile, two hillbillies are sitting at the side of the road when they see the bus pass by.

One hillbilly says to the other, "Man, did you see the smile on that guys face?"

The other turns and says, "yeah, but did you see the tobacco chew hanging out his mouth?" :stickout:
 
Too true

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?



The *****le is usually in charge !!

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who gives a **it


:knock: :approve:
 
country boy in the pool

A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a
party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and
BBQandflirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing
the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator
and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
pool."
 
Pilot gripe sheets...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

(not that I'm normally one to bypass the swearfilter, but it simply got it wrong. The control area of an aircraft is a legitimate word. lol)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in c.ockpit.
S: Something tightened in c.ockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in c.ockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
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