The jokes thread

[Stacey]

Camoflauge Clothing

There once was captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

 

[tomrca]

Subject: The Geordie Salesman

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

 

[beef_jerky4104]

That is a great one tomrca!

 

[tomrca]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

 

[Stacey]

tomrca, they were both great. Thanks for the laugh.

 

[halo71]

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,
the wife died. The Undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000.00 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about
it and told the undertaker, he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked .. "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150.00

The man replied ... "Long ago a man died here.. was buried here .. and three days later
he rose from the dead ... I can't take that risk .. "Ship her home" ! ..

 

[halo71]

Grandma goes to court

Subject: Grandma goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a small-town grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councilors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you *****s asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'


lol those lawyers got pwned!

 

[ravisunny2]

Nice ones, Tom & Halo !

 

[tomrca]

Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!




Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer: Princess

Diana's death.




Question: How come?




Answer:


An English princess with


an Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French


tunnel, driving a


German car


with a Dutch engine,


driven by a Belgian


who was drunk


on Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by


An Iranian,


using Bill Gates's technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


chips, and a


Korean monitor,


assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


transported by Indian


lorry-drivers,


hijacked by Indonesians,


unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,


and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....








That, my friends, is Globalization!


Have a great day

 

[Rage_3K_Moiz]

LMAO tomrca you're the best! And halo71, great ones too!

 

[ravisunny2]

Really good, tomrca!

 

[tomrca]

well to top it off. it was really sent by an iranian that i met in the Czech republic at a wedding and they at present holidaying in Scotland an will be soon here at my home in enland.
ALL TRUE!:haha:

 

[tomrca]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife at the door, with a broom in her hand, and having the guts to ask her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the behind and having the balls to say, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

 

[tifc8lraz]

Nice tomrca

 

[Stacey]

Isn't that the truth.

 

[Rage_3K_Moiz]

ROTFL tomrca good one! :grinthumb

 

[hamas123]

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ***!"

 

[abhinit90]

gr8 1 hamas123

 

[hamas123]

want some more?

 

[almcneil]

Pillsbury Dough Boy, R.I.P.

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

 

[CMH]

Lol.

Good one

 

[hamas123]

what's the most important program on a witches computer?
the spell checker.

 

[Stacey]

that's cute.

 

[hamas123]

thanks got any more jokes

whats close but never comes?
tomorow

 

[CMH]

A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?"

His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal's office!"

The little boy goes up to the Principal's office and the Principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?"

The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?"

The Principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!"

So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?"

"I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal's office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?"

His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home."

So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy's room and said, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?"

"Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?"

His dad says, "Get out of my house, son! I don't ever want to see you again!"

The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night.

The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?"

The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!"

99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started.

As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.

What's the moral of the story?






Look left and right before crossing the road.