LinkedKube
Posts: 3,385 +55
Lamo. Hailrouis
The jokes thread
- Thread starter Rage_3K_Moiz
- Start date
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"Mouse Balls"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
"Mouse Balls"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
nickslick74
Posts: 550 +4
Awesome!!!
beef_jerky4104
Posts: 782 +3
There's this UT fan who lives in aggie town. So when he drives to work he runs over aggies he sees.
One day he stops to get a hitch hiker. That man just so happens to be a priest. So he's driveing when he sees another aggie. He think "Oh man I've got a holy man in the car!" So he closes his eyes and floors it.
He then here's a clumping sound. He opens his eys and asks "Did I get him?".
The priest replies "No but I got him with the door."
EDIT: Three sailors ship crashes on an island. They get out and meet the native people.
The chief asks the first man "Death or Ubuni"
The sailor respons "Ubuni"
Then 5 trees are shoved up his @ss.
The chief asks the second man "Death or Ubuni"
He responds "Ubuni"
So he gets 10 trees shoved up his @ss.
The third man sees the pattern, he'd perfer to die than to under go that pain.
The chief asks the third man "Death or Ubuni"
The third man answers "Death"
The chief laughs and says "Death by Ubuni!"
One day he stops to get a hitch hiker. That man just so happens to be a priest. So he's driveing when he sees another aggie. He think "Oh man I've got a holy man in the car!" So he closes his eyes and floors it.
He then here's a clumping sound. He opens his eys and asks "Did I get him?".
The priest replies "No but I got him with the door."
EDIT: Three sailors ship crashes on an island. They get out and meet the native people.
The chief asks the first man "Death or Ubuni"
The sailor respons "Ubuni"
Then 5 trees are shoved up his @ss.
The chief asks the second man "Death or Ubuni"
He responds "Ubuni"
So he gets 10 trees shoved up his @ss.
The third man sees the pattern, he'd perfer to die than to under go that pain.
The chief asks the third man "Death or Ubuni"
The third man answers "Death"
The chief laughs and says "Death by Ubuni!"
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
Tech Glossary
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
Microsoft in Detroit?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size ****.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size ****.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
halo71
Posts: 1,006 +1
The Hair Cut
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if
they
could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his
son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even
a
strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they went?"
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if
they
could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his
son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even
a
strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they went?"
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
LMFAO halo71 that was a nice one there mate! I think this thread should be made a sticky. 
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
The River:
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
halo71
Posts: 1,006 +1
Food for thought....
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she Was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
About 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"! Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with
meatballs, one without."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she Was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
About 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"! Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with
meatballs, one without."
N3051M
Posts: 2,094 +3
haha.... lol...
here's one...
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.
The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
A Father's Last Request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
like it Stacey.
elderly lady takes her her quite deaf husband to the doctors.
during the examination the doctor says, "well things seem to be OK". nevertheless we will need to do some tests.
doctor says, "i will need a urine sample, a feces sample and a sperm sample".
the old deaf gentleman ask his wife, "what did he say dear"?
she replied," he needs your underpants".:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
elderly lady takes her her quite deaf husband to the doctors.
during the examination the doctor says, "well things seem to be OK". nevertheless we will need to do some tests.
doctor says, "i will need a urine sample, a feces sample and a sperm sample".
the old deaf gentleman ask his wife, "what did he say dear"?
she replied," he needs your underpants".:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
My jokes, though many may not find it humorous but i sure did :-
PUNISHMENT
A Pakistani was sitting with an Indian and Chinese in Saudi Arabia, sharing
a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and
arrested them. But, as it was a national holiday, the Police officer decided
they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Officer suddenly said:
"I allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Chinese guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow
to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 5 lashes before the
whip went through.
The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back".
But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went
through again.
Sheikh turned to Pakistani and said: "You are from a brother country,
so you can have 2 wishes!"
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Pakistani replies.
"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire", the Officer replies with questioning look on his face,
"and your second wish?"
"Tie the Indian to my back", the Pakistani answers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
teacher:now children,if a saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him ,
what virtue i would be showing?
student:brotherly love
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once in a men locker room of a golf course a mobile rang, everybody stopped
to listen. The man picked up the phone and on the line was a lady "Darling
i saw a very beautiful dress its only for Rs50,000, can i buy it?
MAN: sure darling
LADY: and i saw a very elegant gold set for a lakh...
MAN: buy it sweetheart
LADY: and a decorative painting for our room how abt that only 75,000?
MAN: ofcourse
LADY: thankyou, i love u!
Everyone at the locker room started staring at the man, after sometime the man
shouted "Does anyone knows the owner of the phone?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recieving The Bouquet
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had
told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the
florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
if you find it wothy then plz tell me and i will post more such jokes.
PUNISHMENT
A Pakistani was sitting with an Indian and Chinese in Saudi Arabia, sharing
a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and
arrested them. But, as it was a national holiday, the Police officer decided
they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Officer suddenly said:
"I allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Chinese guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow
to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 5 lashes before the
whip went through.
The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back".
But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went
through again.
Sheikh turned to Pakistani and said: "You are from a brother country,
so you can have 2 wishes!"
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Pakistani replies.
"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire", the Officer replies with questioning look on his face,
"and your second wish?"
"Tie the Indian to my back", the Pakistani answers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
teacher:now children,if a saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him ,
what virtue i would be showing?
student:brotherly love
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once in a men locker room of a golf course a mobile rang, everybody stopped
to listen. The man picked up the phone and on the line was a lady "Darling
i saw a very beautiful dress its only for Rs50,000, can i buy it?
MAN: sure darling
LADY: and i saw a very elegant gold set for a lakh...
MAN: buy it sweetheart
LADY: and a decorative painting for our room how abt that only 75,000?
MAN: ofcourse
LADY: thankyou, i love u!
Everyone at the locker room started staring at the man, after sometime the man
shouted "Does anyone knows the owner of the phone?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recieving The Bouquet
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had
told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the
florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
if you find it wothy then plz tell me and i will post more such jokes.
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
Harvard Hearing Test
HARVARD READING TEST This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!
Good Luck!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
HARVARD READING TEST This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!
Good Luck!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
ravisunny2
Posts: 1,055 +11
Yes Tom, you got an oldie (51) busy for about 15 seconds.
I'll have to think up something to keeep a young fart attentive for more than 5 seconds.
I'll have to think up something to keeep a young fart attentive for more than 5 seconds.
Mictlantecuhtli
Posts: 4,049 +13
Not everyone finds toilet humour and sexual humour funny.halo71 said:
Well, toilet humor is good for those extra long sessions crimping one out... And you forgot your newspaper of course....
Its better than political rants, which can be found in the arts/business toilets in Monash University, Clayton. We know which toilets we are in by the graffiti on the walls.... You can see the average IQ of the students by studying them...
Its better than political rants, which can be found in the arts/business toilets in Monash University, Clayton. We know which toilets we are in by the graffiti on the walls.... You can see the average IQ of the students by studying them...
Stacey
Posts: 123 +0
Drunken Man and Blonde
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
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