The jokes thread
- Thread starter Rage_3K_Moiz
- Start date
nickslick74
Posts: 550 +4
Bump! We need more jokes!
nickslick74
Posts: 550 +4
Guy goes into a bar. He starts chatting with the bartender and winds up staying til closing and heads home blindingly drunk.
The guy shows up at the bar again the next evening and the bartender says "Hey guy, how ya feeling? You could hardly walk when ya left last night."
Guy says "Last night was TERRIBLE! I was so drunk when I got home that I blew chunk's right in my front yard."puke:
Bartender to the guy "That not so bad, people drink themselves sick all the time."
Guy says "I didn't get sick last night"
Bartender, now mystified says "But you said you blew chunk's last night when you got home".
wait for it.....
wait for it......
Guy says "Man, Chunk's is my dog...."
The guy shows up at the bar again the next evening and the bartender says "Hey guy, how ya feeling? You could hardly walk when ya left last night."
Guy says "Last night was TERRIBLE! I was so drunk when I got home that I blew chunk's right in my front yard."puke:
Bartender to the guy "That not so bad, people drink themselves sick all the time."
Guy says "I didn't get sick last night"
Bartender, now mystified says "But you said you blew chunk's last night when you got home".
wait for it.....
wait for it......
Guy says "Man, Chunk's is my dog...."
hewybo
Posts: 417 +0
Art Education
A couple attending the National Art Gallery was staring at a portrait that
had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and
totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black
weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly
half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society... "In fact," he
pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society.
"After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple."Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied,
"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.
A couple attending the National Art Gallery was staring at a portrait that
had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and
totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black
weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly
half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society... "In fact," he
pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society.
"After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple."Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied,
"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.
hewybo
Posts: 417 +0
Practicality
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said "Lord-it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said "Lord-it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
Who Is The Fairest In The Land...
snow white, quasi modo and prince charming were chatting. snow white said, did you know that there is a magic mirror, and it told me that i was the most beautiful lady in the land. prince charming looked at her and thought, well i must be the most handsome! so off he went to ask the mirror. on his return he told them that he had consulted the magic mirror, and it told him, that he was the most handsomest in the land. quasi openly said, then i must be the ugliest!
snow white and the prince told him, go consult the mirror. OK he said, and off he went.
when he returned they both said, well??
quasi said, do either of you know who Howard Hopkinso is ??:haha: :haha:
snow white, quasi modo and prince charming were chatting. snow white said, did you know that there is a magic mirror, and it told me that i was the most beautiful lady in the land. prince charming looked at her and thought, well i must be the most handsome! so off he went to ask the mirror. on his return he told them that he had consulted the magic mirror, and it told him, that he was the most handsomest in the land. quasi openly said, then i must be the ugliest!
snow white and the prince told him, go consult the mirror. OK he said, and off he went.
when he returned they both said, well??
quasi said, do either of you know who Howard Hopkinso is ??:haha: :haha:
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
die-vorce
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"He says, "because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better
lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck.
"I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car,
too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,
"Isn't
there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall,
she turns to him and smiles:
"The airbag!"
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"He says, "because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better
lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck.
"I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car,
too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,
"Isn't
there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall,
she turns to him and smiles:
"The airbag!"
Cpt_Subtext
Posts: 253 +0
hewybo said:
hahahahahahaha thats bloody brilliant!
Jesse_hz
Posts: 475 +3
Read and learn
I friend of mine wrote this. I just translated it to English.
[CENTER]Bad excuses for late papers/reports.
1. I dropped my pen behind the radiator.
2. SNL was on yesterday, couldn't miss that for homework.
3. My arthritis was acting up again.
4. I couldn't see the keys on the keyboard for my enormous chest.
5. It was my assignment-partners fault! ( use when alone )
6. I had forgotten where the school was.
7. Yeah but, I was in school yesterday. I was just wearing my invisible clothes, duh.
If you've fallen asleep
1. I wasn't sleeping – I was trying to put my contacts in without using my hands.
2. I wasn't sleeping – I was doing a very advanced yoga exercise to relieve school related stress.
3. The people at the blood bank said that this could happen.
Why alcohol should be served in schools
1. It makes honest conversation more frequent in class.
2. People will be more motivated to stay in school.
3. Classmates look a lot better.
4. Farts are less embarrassing.[/CENTER]
Pete asks his teacher:
- Teacher, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do ?
Teacher answers:
- No, of course not.
Pete answers:
- Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework. Owned
--
If some of this is out of line tell me and I'll edit immediately or a mod will probably edit it.
I friend of mine wrote this. I just translated it to English.
[CENTER]Bad excuses for late papers/reports.
1. I dropped my pen behind the radiator.
2. SNL was on yesterday, couldn't miss that for homework.
3. My arthritis was acting up again.
4. I couldn't see the keys on the keyboard for my enormous chest.
5. It was my assignment-partners fault! ( use when alone )
6. I had forgotten where the school was.
7. Yeah but, I was in school yesterday. I was just wearing my invisible clothes, duh.
If you've fallen asleep
1. I wasn't sleeping – I was trying to put my contacts in without using my hands.
2. I wasn't sleeping – I was doing a very advanced yoga exercise to relieve school related stress.
3. The people at the blood bank said that this could happen.
Why alcohol should be served in schools
1. It makes honest conversation more frequent in class.
2. People will be more motivated to stay in school.
3. Classmates look a lot better.
4. Farts are less embarrassing.[/CENTER]
Pete asks his teacher:
- Teacher, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do ?
Teacher answers:
- No, of course not.
Pete answers:
- Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework. Owned
--
If some of this is out of line tell me and I'll edit immediately or a mod will probably edit it.
howard_hopkinso
Posts: 21,238 +17
That`s quite funny lol.
I have merged it into the jokes thread.
Regards Howard
I have merged it into the jokes thread.
Regards Howard
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
LOL where's tomrca? His jokes are the best! :grinthumb
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
LOL Tedster's gonna be thrilled!
Cpt_Subtext
Posts: 253 +0
Worst christmas cracker jokes this year????? You know the abismal ones I mean!
The dodgiest one I got this year with my dinner....
When are cars like frogs? When they get toad!
:S
The dodgiest one I got this year with my dinner....
When are cars like frogs? When they get toad!
:S
tylerhardt
Posts: 24 +0
What's the best part about thirty eight year olds? There's thirty of them.
I went to the bar and picked up a very good looking young lady. She said put me down.
I went to the bar and picked up a very good looking young lady. She said put me down.
Rage_3K_Moiz
Posts: 5,403 +43
Okay so there's this English teacher who's a wannabe hitman and he's given a contract by a party to assassinate a guy in the lobby of a hotel. When the party checks the scene of the crime, the guy is found standing behind 2 donkeys and they're all in front of a wall covered with map of the country and surrounded by police. His reasoning:
ASSASSINATION=***-***-I-NATION!
ASSASSINATION=***-***-I-NATION!
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
christamas and new year over children back to school!
well anyway, i went to pick up my 6yr old grandaughter from school on her first day back. When i got there she was in tears! i hugged her and asked her what had upset her? she told me that they had all been given new places to sit in, and she didn't like it. so she told the teacher this. the teacher told her to sit there for the present, so i did she said, and i have been sitting here all day, and i still haven't got it! :haha:
well anyway, i went to pick up my 6yr old grandaughter from school on her first day back. When i got there she was in tears! i hugged her and asked her what had upset her? she told me that they had all been given new places to sit in, and she didn't like it. so she told the teacher this. the teacher told her to sit there for the present, so i did she said, and i have been sitting here all day, and i still haven't got it! :haha:
tomrca
Posts: 924 +3
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £50." The next day someone stole it.
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