I think the extra extensions to TB may just be contributing to the problem. I doubt they are the sole cause of the problem.
I don't know how you are "tweaking" the system but there are several ways to control which processes start up at boot time. Look at the Startup folder in the Start Menu and remove whatever you don't want. But not all processes are started there. Then look at the Startup tab of msconfig and deselect unnecessary processes there and reboot. I use a free utility called Codestuff Starter to control my startup processes.
You complained about Active Words taking forever. It may be taking forever at startup precisely because a lot of starting processes are contending for run time resources all at the same time. It may be quicker after boot up. Also, like WinWord and other major apps it probably takes a little longer to start only the first time you use it during a session.
Also, do you use Active Words frequently and continuously all during a typical session. If not, i.e. if you use it for a few minutes once or occasionally during a typical session it would be better to start and stop it when you actually use it. You should ask the same question about every other process that you now have running continuously.
You have far too many spyware utilities running. I have none. I just scan with Spybot, Ad-aware and HijackThis once a week. You can disable them with Codestuff Starter. You can also prevent many apps from starting at boot up from within the apps themselves. Too many apps when you install them try to get themselves started at boot up and want want to put their icons everywhere - even up one's 'er whatsit (ahem, ahem).
I don't know about ZoneAlarm Pro but I have the free ZoneAlarm running continuously with NAV without any problems. I think they are critical. ZA has two processes (zlclient and vsmon) and NAV has about five processes. I also have Spybot's Teatimer utility to warn me of any changes attempted to critical areas of the registry and ask for my permission. In addition I have GoBack running.
I have even disabled a few Windows processes that I have no use for and which are not critical. For example I have set Windows' Automatic Update to Manual. I start it and set it to Automatic from Windows' Service panel once a week when I check for updates. Then I stop it and set it back to Manual immediately. Occasionally, when I receive a Microsoft Security Bulletin I will do this right away.
All told, I have 30 processes running just after boot up. Fourteen of them are critical system processes. The rest are the ones I have mentioned above. I am tempted to bet you have many more. And the less RAM you have the more critical all this becomes.
I don't think you need to do anything as drastic as a reinstall or recreate your logon, etc. Just start cleaning up with Codestuff Starter. I think you can download it from
www.majorgeeks.com. Otherwise Google for it.
I think you are overly worried about your wife and spyware. Aside from the above I don't take any special precautions about that. And I know with certainty that my PC is completely clean. Compare your list of processes with your wife's. Those that do not appear in hers are non-critical and you should weed them out if you don't really need them very frequently or continuously. Things like the quote utility may be nice but ...
I have not had the question marks in Windows Explorer so I don't know anything about it but I suspect it is very probably related.
